There are over a billion things in this country, and more over the world, that can end in tragedy. Unexpected land mines when on patrol of a city your country is unjustly occupying, hurricanes flooding national icons, and a certain leader’s continued inability to find a terrorist in a cave.
I could keep going, but I’m trying to keep this column within a certain page limit. Granted it’s a page limit I’m not sure of just yet, but I figure fourteen seems a bit...much. So we’ll go with three...four..no,two...we’ll just see.
Of the hundreds of thousands of highs and lows on this planet. From the Mariana trench in the Pacific ocean, to the hypoxic towering summit of K2 in the Himalaya, people have struggled in the mere fight to overcome that which they don’t know.
Countless ocean floors, and snow blanketed mountain tops, have stood not only as testaments to the dominance and beauty of our planet, but as challenges and hurdles which men and woman all over the world have sought to climb.
Until George Mallory, the Himalaya were vastly unexplored, and were revered by Tibetan and Nepalese citizens as the steps and gateways to the gods. The mountains held not only a physical presence in their lives, but they signified that the gods were looking down upon them and protecting them.
The names commonly attributed to the peaks, mostly from English speaking surveyors and attempted climbers, serve a purpose only to the outside world. To the people who live in the foothills or the plateaus surrounding the great peaks, they are known by their true names.
While K2 has claimed many lives, and is in itself a lethal mountain, it’s neighbor, ever rising…always enticing people to it’s summit…is known to those who live at it’s base by the name Chomolungma. To the outside world, and those who seek to stand atop it, it’s called Everest.
At 29,037 feet (an eight foot increase from the tragedy of 1996 and a two foot increase from the horrors of 2006) it stands not as figure of beauty of our planet, but as an obstacle and a once in a lifetime challenge. There are millions of reasons why climbers fight for it’s summit.
For the experience, for the challenge (there is none greater), and simply because it has haunted their dreams and desires as far back as a climber can remember, are only two of the many reasons. The most selfish, ego centric reason, which has actually been given...because it’s there...is as much a death note as it is a pledge.
I have read many an Everest book, and one constant throughout all is, the desire to reach the top souly on the desire in the spirit and the soul of the climber. While in it’s own way there is a certain nobility to that motive, it is foolish to think that and that alone will get you to the top.
Experience, drive, and brute strength may get you up: Mt. McKinley, Aconcagua, or any of the other 6 Summits, but it will not bring dominance over the world’s roof. At approximately 28,200 ft the average mean temperature on Mt. Everest is –40 degrees Fahrenheit. 40 below on a daily basis!
While it has been proven that the body can submit to those temperatures for at least a night, climbers have had to function with the aid of special sleeping bags designed for up to –20 degree temperatures AND added linings. Not to mention supplemental oxygen. The effects of edema, both pulmonary and cerebral, began several hundred feet below.
A writer once said: while it is tragic and unfortunate to have an accident on any peak, when the tragedies of 1996 and 2006 are taken into consideration, it is better to have an accident on a lesser peak than on Everest.
While the statement may seem insensitive in some ways, it makes a valid point. No one wants an accident anywhere, but if one does happen, it is better for it to happen on a peak, or at a height, where rescue is safe or at least possible.
On Everest, every little mistake, misstep, or miscue is amplified a million degrees. Much of the passage up the Northeast Ridge is edged on either side by sudden almost perfectly vertical 5 mile drops down the North Face. Climbers shimmy along the ridge, a width slightly wider your foot, barely able to place one foot in front of the other.
All this assuming anyone can move calmly and swiftly along virtually uninterrupted. But that is a pipe dream for some mysterious, fantasy, dreamland peak buried in someone’s misguided psyche. This is Everest. The roof of the world, and the stairway to the heavens.
Since 1996, as Jon Krakauer predicted, Everest has gotten OVER commercialized, over hyped, and WAY over populated. I’m not saying it deserves to be shut down, we all know that will never happen, but what needs to happen is a much heavier restriction on permits, the amount of expeditions permitted on the mountain (not on one side or the other, but on both the North AND South sides TOTAL), and the size of each expedition.
Intense background checks must also be mandatory. If ANYONE has in ANY way a criminal background, they must not be permitted anywhere near base camp. I’m not talking about parking tickets, or driving violations, or anything of that nature, (how many idiot climbers are driving vehicles in the foothills of Mt Everest? And if you are, that’s as high as you should go. You’d be lucky if you saw the edge of base camp.) I’m talking about anything requiring jail time longer than two days.
Everest is a mountain that while it is an inanimate object, it is actually it’s own entity. It can sense anticipation, anxiety, and passion. It breathes the drive, joy, and compassion of those who seek it’s summit for respect, nobility, and to see something within themselves.
It can taste the fear, selfishness, and the push to be there just because someone feels they can…just because it needs to be done. The people who should stand atop are those who understand the risks, fight within themselves for every inch, and search and find something inside their being. Something that brings them closer to who they are, and closer to their planet.
I will not pass judgment on the actions of climbers who have died on their surge to the top. Maybe they made it, maybe they didn’t. While that is, in their hearts, their true desire…it is not the issue at hand. Climbing Everest without the use of supplemental oxygen is, admittingly, an admirable goal. It shows climbers for who the really are. Incredibly strong, centered, controlled, and determined people.
It also shows, whether they are aware of it or not, a certain degree of cockiness. You are in a world not designed for survival of ANYTHING. Every single element of that mountain and everything around you is pushing you quickly to the door step of death. To think you are better than that, better than the planet that gives you life, and the mountain that allows you to stand where you are, is a little selfish.
I see this in the people who strive for an oxygen-less accent, but some (not all) survive because they balance the hidden selfishness (some people are totally unaware) with a noble desire. The right desire. They, as I’ve mentioned above, have the desire to find and learn something about humanity and the planet.
One of these men is Ed Viesturs, and I salute his efforts and his accent. He, along with IMAX Expedition leader David Brashears (in 1996), where part of the rescue team charging into the fatal storm to rescue several members of the trapped expeditions. One of these teams was Jon Krakauer’s. Although Krakauer was safely down the mountain, the majority of his teammates were trapped.
Rescues on Everest are villains of another kind. A kind unseen anywhere else in the world. While no one, aside from those actually involved in the rescue, can be certain of the truth of the events, one thing can be set in stone: because of the affects of edema and hypoxic hypothermia on the body it is VERY difficult to tell if a climber at rest (sitting) is dead, dying, or at rest.
Hundreds of people will say that all you need to do to check if a climber is indeed at rest or dead. These people do not understand what climbers go through. The cold constantly ripping at their body, is a cold unlike any on Earth. It’s a chill they will never understand, and one that can blitz you with edemic dementia and frostbite in mere minutes.
They don’t understand that these people are surrounded, millimeters from their feet, by sharp drop offs plunging at 85 + degree angles all around them. It is not just the terrain immediately around them, but the ridge in front. If the climber is savable, the rescuers now have their own weight, oxygen, and accessories to carry, plus the added weight of the climber they're attempting to save.
While we don’t exactly know what went down during the rescue, we can be sure that because someone tried to help, in any way, that they had some level of kindness within them. When people are up that high, they have next to no time to make decisions and attempt rescues. Any stoppage of their traverse to the top is an immediate threat to their lives.
As you make a rescue, or pass someone you feel is in need of help, the question that will invariably cross you mind is, is there enough I could do to help? Can I do anything that won’t risk my life? Is this person actually alive. Sure you want the summit, everyone in front and behind you does, but is the life beside you savable?
It is almost criminal to look at these people who make rescues or attempt them, and doubt their motives. They are operating and functioning in a world not fit for survival. In a world you can not fathom, and have no right to judge them and their actions. Unless you have witnessed, felt, froze, and literally fought death as they have, you have no right to criticize them.
Sure they are men and women just like any of us, but they have attempted to save a life, in an environment where everything is against them the minute they stop. I will not make judgments of anyone who died, for it is an atrocity to laugh in the face of disaster, but I will say that if you ascend without support and without oxygen, you are in a sense, begging death.
On a final note: Lincoln Hall. I can not safely judge his teammates for leaving him behind on the mountain. I do not know, or can even fathom what they witnessed as they left. They believed him dead or dying and beyond rescue. The decision, based soully on that, was not a selfish one. They acted on the greater behalf. Knowing that at that hour, stopping to save someone they believed beyond help, would endanger their lives, was not shameful.
The hero in that situation was Lincoln himself. What ever he found within himself to keep fighting on is true heroics. He must be honored and commended. Lincoln was not only lucky, he is a blessed man, and should be honored. He has my full respect and I tip a hat to him. As I do to Dan Mazur, for abandoning his bid for the top to assist Lincoln.
The abuse Lincoln sustained at the hands of the sherpas guiding him down to safety is an atrocity and offends me, not only as lover of Mt. Everest and all things Everest, but as a human being. These men decided to forego common sanity and simple decency for someone who was climbing back from death’s door, and beat him and assault him. There is no place on Everest for criminals, and these men are a disgrace to humanity.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The Automatics
In this country, and pretty much everywhere else we're involved (I challenge you to find a place we're not), there are a lot of good things and a boat load of bad. Since I'm pretty tapped out on the good right now, let's go with the bad. At least for the moment. It has long been a policy of this government that whenever we either didn't understand something, or thought something was wrong in some way, we jammed our big fat butts into it.
And we didn't , and will never, have the common decency to keep our pants on. We've always gotta go around mooning people. Or better yet, like George Carlin said, it's all a penis contest. We've gotta prove that ours is bigger. And for Bush, that's hard (pun intended)...he hasn't got one. That's why he's outing federal agents (I'm not letting that fiasco die), picking fights with everyone in the middle east, and tapping our phones. He's gotta distract us, so no one looks down there.
It's a continuing mystery to me how damned, bloody stupid so much of this country is. It's not that they're "not aware," or they "don't know," it's that they really are that stupid! The portion of them that voted for him anyway. They saw how he screwed up the first time, and they told him to DO IT AGAIN! You know what happens to kids who keep screwing up? Detention, suspension, or a time out.
So why the hell is Bush any different? He's a middle aged degenerate with a pre-school education. It's time for his suspension. Only in the legal field we call that an impeachment. Clinton was brought on charges not entirely unrelated to having a woman blow him under his desk. Bush: outed a federal agent, started a false war, and spied on his own citizenry. Oral sex in the oval office vs TREASON. What seems worse to you?
There's nothing that makes sense about him, well...other than he's a waste of humanity... and there's not much that makes sense about another well meaning issue. Greenery, or more commonly known, the Green movement.
It is a noble and truly honorable thing to completely remodel a home with environmentally sound products. To use products and materials that have been modified or recycled from other materials. But while I want to make one thing COMPLETELY CLEAR, that I SUPPORT this movement, there is another hopefully obvious fluke to EVERYONE.
The MAJOR fundamental flaw in this movement is that everything on this planet, came from the planet. We didn't adapt some alien technology, unless Area 51 is no longer a cover up. All the wood, bamboo, and recycled...what ever had to come from somewhere. I have seen picnic tables made of recycled milk jugs. And while, admittedly, that is pretty cool...think about that. Milk jugs. Items that if left out, your great grand children's great grand children will see.
We have done so much damage, and utter destruction to this planet, do any of us REALLY think we can do any kind of significant improvement over the next few years? Waters have risen, entire continents are breaking apart, and rivers have actually BURNED. Water has caught on FIRE. The very thing that is supposed to kill an inferno, has ignited.
The remedy is not a 2 year process. It's not even a 3 year process. And more importantly, we're ONE nation. ONE. Assuming you can get this country behind you, fat chance, we're a bunch of lazy morons...we all need to adjust, NOW. Every person has a voice, and everyone has right to voice their opinions.
One person can change a lot of minds. Sometimes millions of minds, but those millions won't always be listened to. Millions of people won't save this planet, billions will. 2 million people can march on congress and scream for environmental reform, but if 100 people (let's focus on the Senate for now) shoot them down, the march failed.
You can have all the momentum in the world, and be the savior of the planet, and all it takes is for a group of people who number FAR less than you do, to end your gusto. I'm not saying it's worthless, because like I said earlier..I SUPPORT the Green Movement...I'm saying that before you undergo such an endeavor, plan better.
Take into account that you'll probably be shot down, and fight it. Keep fighting it. Or get inside congress, LEGALLY. Get a congressman to listen to you.
A month or so ago, I was eating at Sonny's in Minneapolis with my: brother, sister (in-law), and my niece and nephew. My brother asked me to get water for everyone and added that they wanted glasses not plastic cups. THEY want glasses. Not ME, THEY did. I went to the self filling water station and filled up plastic cups, as I did not see glasses.
I brought the cups back to the table, and suffice it to say, was ripped a new one. I made clear that I did not see the glasses, and honestly, did not see the harm in me getting a plastic cup. My brother had remedied their situation and gotten glasses for them.
The issue was this: what if the person behind me (which there was none) had seen me getting a plastic cup and decided to get one of their own, bypassing a glass. First, a plastic cup is not a desired item. No one has ever said "god, do I need a plastic cup right now." Second: most people don't look at a water station and make ANY kind of decision. They've already decided they want water. Decision DONE!
If someone does want a glass, more often then not, they'll look for one. They won't ask. I work in retail, most people don't ask for things. They just look. Unless they've got something specific in mind. In cafes, in my experience, people are too shy to ask.
Third: decisions to dump something down your throat usually aren't resolved by, "jeez, look what they guy did. I think I'll do that." People just don't copy strangers. Especially not me. I'm not that important to the world, at least not in that way. If I saw a perfect stranger getting a cup of water, I am DEFINITELY NOT thinking "maybe I'll get a plastic cup." If I'm thinking at all, it's "good god I'm thirsty."
Fourth, and hopefully finally, green-ifying your home and family shouldn’t be a physics problem. If you want to buy something in a store that is environmentally sound: look at the product and investigate what it’s made of. And leave it AT THAT. Trying to dissect whether the wood was a tree eight months ago, or sitting in a ware house recycling plant, only lengthens your journey.
Isn’t the objective to use REAL organic, wood? What the hell’s more organic than a tree? All the recycled wood, had to come from somewhere. Let’s stop and think about that. The recycled wood you have now, came from the exact same place, your neighbor’s new table came from.
Pick your battles people. And while I’m on the inane and stupid: when did corn become evil to or diets??! I know it’s not the corn itself, it’s how it’s processed. But think about it. It’s CORN for christ’s sake! DON’T EAT the processed stuff. You all have brains, USE THEM!
I know it hurts, and maybe be out of your way, but let’s work together and give it a try. These corn nuts are the same people who’ve tried to tell us chocolate can be good for us. BULL!
“Chocolate’s sugar and it’s bad,” one minute, “wait! No it’s not. It can be good.” Come on! A luxury that rots our teeth and mouth, and has ZERO nutritional value, is good. Hell no!
Environmentalists, and Green Movement-ers, do NOTHING for themselves or their cause by using scare tactics or picking little issues.
Scare tactics even include the world of art. Sure a painting or photograph of millions of used plastic shopping bags, designed into Warhol’s Marilyn Monroe is pretty damn cool…but what does that do for your movement? “This is what three million plastic bags look like.” Well isn’t that nice. Now tell us how to avoid them.
I know you hope people will pick up on your message, but being honest here, the amount of the population that would catch that is so small it’s not enough to dent the view of the slower populace. People are not going to automatically listen to one person they’ve never met, because he picks up a cup or puts a picture in a gallery.
The issue is the damage we've already done, not little nit picky things. Plus, how do you know the person who got the cup isn't going to recycle it? I did! It's a change..holder now.
There are good and bad sides to this movement and these issues. There are people who support it, the people I agree with, and people who don't. Neither party can afford at any time, to ignore or tune out the other. You can't arrive at a healthy and safe result by doing ONLY what YOU feel is right. That is DANGEROUS, and unsafe for everyone. Smart conclusions are arrived at by a consultation from BOTH points of view.
It is furthermore, arrogant, and obnoxious to assume that everyone MUST feel as you do. You need to talk to them, calmly, and rationally. People will change their own minds. You can't force them to. And finally, if you want this movement to TRULY catch on, you need to speak to them on their level. This means conversing with them, letting them speak their minds BEFORE you attempt to convince them of your view. This is not a wishy washy issue. It's black and white. People's views are automatic one direction or the other.
And we didn't , and will never, have the common decency to keep our pants on. We've always gotta go around mooning people. Or better yet, like George Carlin said, it's all a penis contest. We've gotta prove that ours is bigger. And for Bush, that's hard (pun intended)...he hasn't got one. That's why he's outing federal agents (I'm not letting that fiasco die), picking fights with everyone in the middle east, and tapping our phones. He's gotta distract us, so no one looks down there.
It's a continuing mystery to me how damned, bloody stupid so much of this country is. It's not that they're "not aware," or they "don't know," it's that they really are that stupid! The portion of them that voted for him anyway. They saw how he screwed up the first time, and they told him to DO IT AGAIN! You know what happens to kids who keep screwing up? Detention, suspension, or a time out.
So why the hell is Bush any different? He's a middle aged degenerate with a pre-school education. It's time for his suspension. Only in the legal field we call that an impeachment. Clinton was brought on charges not entirely unrelated to having a woman blow him under his desk. Bush: outed a federal agent, started a false war, and spied on his own citizenry. Oral sex in the oval office vs TREASON. What seems worse to you?
There's nothing that makes sense about him, well...other than he's a waste of humanity... and there's not much that makes sense about another well meaning issue. Greenery, or more commonly known, the Green movement.
It is a noble and truly honorable thing to completely remodel a home with environmentally sound products. To use products and materials that have been modified or recycled from other materials. But while I want to make one thing COMPLETELY CLEAR, that I SUPPORT this movement, there is another hopefully obvious fluke to EVERYONE.
The MAJOR fundamental flaw in this movement is that everything on this planet, came from the planet. We didn't adapt some alien technology, unless Area 51 is no longer a cover up. All the wood, bamboo, and recycled...what ever had to come from somewhere. I have seen picnic tables made of recycled milk jugs. And while, admittedly, that is pretty cool...think about that. Milk jugs. Items that if left out, your great grand children's great grand children will see.
We have done so much damage, and utter destruction to this planet, do any of us REALLY think we can do any kind of significant improvement over the next few years? Waters have risen, entire continents are breaking apart, and rivers have actually BURNED. Water has caught on FIRE. The very thing that is supposed to kill an inferno, has ignited.
The remedy is not a 2 year process. It's not even a 3 year process. And more importantly, we're ONE nation. ONE. Assuming you can get this country behind you, fat chance, we're a bunch of lazy morons...we all need to adjust, NOW. Every person has a voice, and everyone has right to voice their opinions.
One person can change a lot of minds. Sometimes millions of minds, but those millions won't always be listened to. Millions of people won't save this planet, billions will. 2 million people can march on congress and scream for environmental reform, but if 100 people (let's focus on the Senate for now) shoot them down, the march failed.
You can have all the momentum in the world, and be the savior of the planet, and all it takes is for a group of people who number FAR less than you do, to end your gusto. I'm not saying it's worthless, because like I said earlier..I SUPPORT the Green Movement...I'm saying that before you undergo such an endeavor, plan better.
Take into account that you'll probably be shot down, and fight it. Keep fighting it. Or get inside congress, LEGALLY. Get a congressman to listen to you.
A month or so ago, I was eating at Sonny's in Minneapolis with my: brother, sister (in-law), and my niece and nephew. My brother asked me to get water for everyone and added that they wanted glasses not plastic cups. THEY want glasses. Not ME, THEY did. I went to the self filling water station and filled up plastic cups, as I did not see glasses.
I brought the cups back to the table, and suffice it to say, was ripped a new one. I made clear that I did not see the glasses, and honestly, did not see the harm in me getting a plastic cup. My brother had remedied their situation and gotten glasses for them.
The issue was this: what if the person behind me (which there was none) had seen me getting a plastic cup and decided to get one of their own, bypassing a glass. First, a plastic cup is not a desired item. No one has ever said "god, do I need a plastic cup right now." Second: most people don't look at a water station and make ANY kind of decision. They've already decided they want water. Decision DONE!
If someone does want a glass, more often then not, they'll look for one. They won't ask. I work in retail, most people don't ask for things. They just look. Unless they've got something specific in mind. In cafes, in my experience, people are too shy to ask.
Third: decisions to dump something down your throat usually aren't resolved by, "jeez, look what they guy did. I think I'll do that." People just don't copy strangers. Especially not me. I'm not that important to the world, at least not in that way. If I saw a perfect stranger getting a cup of water, I am DEFINITELY NOT thinking "maybe I'll get a plastic cup." If I'm thinking at all, it's "good god I'm thirsty."
Fourth, and hopefully finally, green-ifying your home and family shouldn’t be a physics problem. If you want to buy something in a store that is environmentally sound: look at the product and investigate what it’s made of. And leave it AT THAT. Trying to dissect whether the wood was a tree eight months ago, or sitting in a ware house recycling plant, only lengthens your journey.
Isn’t the objective to use REAL organic, wood? What the hell’s more organic than a tree? All the recycled wood, had to come from somewhere. Let’s stop and think about that. The recycled wood you have now, came from the exact same place, your neighbor’s new table came from.
Pick your battles people. And while I’m on the inane and stupid: when did corn become evil to or diets??! I know it’s not the corn itself, it’s how it’s processed. But think about it. It’s CORN for christ’s sake! DON’T EAT the processed stuff. You all have brains, USE THEM!
I know it hurts, and maybe be out of your way, but let’s work together and give it a try. These corn nuts are the same people who’ve tried to tell us chocolate can be good for us. BULL!
“Chocolate’s sugar and it’s bad,” one minute, “wait! No it’s not. It can be good.” Come on! A luxury that rots our teeth and mouth, and has ZERO nutritional value, is good. Hell no!
Environmentalists, and Green Movement-ers, do NOTHING for themselves or their cause by using scare tactics or picking little issues.
Scare tactics even include the world of art. Sure a painting or photograph of millions of used plastic shopping bags, designed into Warhol’s Marilyn Monroe is pretty damn cool…but what does that do for your movement? “This is what three million plastic bags look like.” Well isn’t that nice. Now tell us how to avoid them.
I know you hope people will pick up on your message, but being honest here, the amount of the population that would catch that is so small it’s not enough to dent the view of the slower populace. People are not going to automatically listen to one person they’ve never met, because he picks up a cup or puts a picture in a gallery.
The issue is the damage we've already done, not little nit picky things. Plus, how do you know the person who got the cup isn't going to recycle it? I did! It's a change..holder now.
There are good and bad sides to this movement and these issues. There are people who support it, the people I agree with, and people who don't. Neither party can afford at any time, to ignore or tune out the other. You can't arrive at a healthy and safe result by doing ONLY what YOU feel is right. That is DANGEROUS, and unsafe for everyone. Smart conclusions are arrived at by a consultation from BOTH points of view.
It is furthermore, arrogant, and obnoxious to assume that everyone MUST feel as you do. You need to talk to them, calmly, and rationally. People will change their own minds. You can't force them to. And finally, if you want this movement to TRULY catch on, you need to speak to them on their level. This means conversing with them, letting them speak their minds BEFORE you attempt to convince them of your view. This is not a wishy washy issue. It's black and white. People's views are automatic one direction or the other.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Paranoia Serenade
For a while now, I've been thinking about what to..columnize (a new term I'm forcing onto the scene, because "blogging" is annoying and pansy like), and I've wrestled down paranoia. Don't worry, it had me pinned for a minute, but I broke it's choke hold. Please tell me SOMEONE gets that pun.
Many months ago, after I had received my renewed passport (and didn't have enough time to run home) and was glancing at it, a former co-worker said to me "you know, they put chips in those things so they can track you." Uh...huh. They put computer chips in passports?
Are you kidding me?! A government, who's got constant threats of terrorism against it, all over the world, gives a rat's ass about where some guy is screwing his girlfriend and how heavy she breaths.
"Sir the insurgents are on the move again, and they seem to moving towards us at an alarming rate!" "Screw the rebels Johnson! Ms. Flynn's on top and she seems to be enjoying it! Holy crap! Is that King Of Queens on TV!"
Give me a break! We've been: lied to, controlled, manipulated, had federal spies outed, and cheated for EIGHT years! Everyone who's got the balls enough to still ally with us is terrified! Not of what can happen, but of what most likely will.
They're not our friends because they love us, they're our friends because we're the ones with our fingers on the trigger. While that seems like a reason to be paranoid, it's NOT!
I'm not talking about what can happen from the rest of the world, to us. I'm talking about what can happen from US. The color coded "terror" alert system....
(see moms and dads you can teach your kids about safety AND the rainbow! Federal public service AND education all rolled into one! I came up with that in 10 seconds, and I'm not even stoned! Where's my seat in Congress!)
...only serves as an excuse to freak out the nuts whose next agenda is insinuating the air we breath contains invasive microbes. We need to know what terrorist within our own citizenry are up to, not what AVERAGE EVERYDAY Americans who work in bookstores in Minnesota do.
Most of the people here aren't intelligent enough to inhale in a car, let alone plot against a country. And while I'm on the "terror" alert system, is it really necessary that there's more than one color?! It's always been ORANGE! And they never tell you what that means. You just hear it over the public address system at the airport.
I guarantee you I have not heard ONE SINGLE person say "oh," or "what's that mean?" It's not because we don't want to know, I do, it's because at this point, we don't care.
Americans can read, only because they want to, they just don't because as a society...we're lazy!! We don't know what the colors mean because: 1. 3 minutes is too long to wait between "getting our hair done," and doing our nails...and, 2. the goddamn government beats us over the head with it.
If you want the citizenry to learn it, tell them what it is, pause, and then tell them what it means! The color "terror" alert system actually tells you what other nations may think of you when you arrive. Be prepared to at least be scowled at.
BUT, and just like a lot of singers these days, this is a BIG butt: realize that they hate your government....NOT YOU. It's not personal, it may be displaced, but it's not personal. It's okay to express your anger over your government. It's natural, and god given.
The world needs to know, MANY MANY Americans hate their own government. In this day and age: when we've started a war under apparently false pretenses, and can't seem to find the greatest evil since Hitler, how can anyone...ANYONE...seriously think any government has the technology, money, and time to spy on EVERY SINGLE citizen?!!
Come on! Don't be lazy! Our government has to worry about how it comes off to every country in the world, and how our enemies threaten us. It worries about threats from within and without.
It just plain DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP whether or not YOU walk from the break room to the register. Or why you bought chicken instead of pizza. If you spend your days worrying about every little detail, you will NEVER get anything you deserve!
You are a human being and deserve as much as I do. Fear resigns you to the recess of your already tormented mind. Don't shake and tremble every step you take. Don't constantly look over your back, your head will get stuck that way (I mean that figuratively).
Smile every once in a while. Be happy that you're lucky to be alive, and that even if things haven't always been good..they will be! There is happiness EVERYWHERE. JUST.....BE.....HAPPY. And for Christ's sake...let me be too!
Many months ago, after I had received my renewed passport (and didn't have enough time to run home) and was glancing at it, a former co-worker said to me "you know, they put chips in those things so they can track you." Uh...huh. They put computer chips in passports?
Are you kidding me?! A government, who's got constant threats of terrorism against it, all over the world, gives a rat's ass about where some guy is screwing his girlfriend and how heavy she breaths.
"Sir the insurgents are on the move again, and they seem to moving towards us at an alarming rate!" "Screw the rebels Johnson! Ms. Flynn's on top and she seems to be enjoying it! Holy crap! Is that King Of Queens on TV!"
Give me a break! We've been: lied to, controlled, manipulated, had federal spies outed, and cheated for EIGHT years! Everyone who's got the balls enough to still ally with us is terrified! Not of what can happen, but of what most likely will.
They're not our friends because they love us, they're our friends because we're the ones with our fingers on the trigger. While that seems like a reason to be paranoid, it's NOT!
I'm not talking about what can happen from the rest of the world, to us. I'm talking about what can happen from US. The color coded "terror" alert system....
(see moms and dads you can teach your kids about safety AND the rainbow! Federal public service AND education all rolled into one! I came up with that in 10 seconds, and I'm not even stoned! Where's my seat in Congress!)
...only serves as an excuse to freak out the nuts whose next agenda is insinuating the air we breath contains invasive microbes. We need to know what terrorist within our own citizenry are up to, not what AVERAGE EVERYDAY Americans who work in bookstores in Minnesota do.
Most of the people here aren't intelligent enough to inhale in a car, let alone plot against a country. And while I'm on the "terror" alert system, is it really necessary that there's more than one color?! It's always been ORANGE! And they never tell you what that means. You just hear it over the public address system at the airport.
I guarantee you I have not heard ONE SINGLE person say "oh," or "what's that mean?" It's not because we don't want to know, I do, it's because at this point, we don't care.
Americans can read, only because they want to, they just don't because as a society...we're lazy!! We don't know what the colors mean because: 1. 3 minutes is too long to wait between "getting our hair done," and doing our nails...and, 2. the goddamn government beats us over the head with it.
If you want the citizenry to learn it, tell them what it is, pause, and then tell them what it means! The color "terror" alert system actually tells you what other nations may think of you when you arrive. Be prepared to at least be scowled at.
BUT, and just like a lot of singers these days, this is a BIG butt: realize that they hate your government....NOT YOU. It's not personal, it may be displaced, but it's not personal. It's okay to express your anger over your government. It's natural, and god given.
The world needs to know, MANY MANY Americans hate their own government. In this day and age: when we've started a war under apparently false pretenses, and can't seem to find the greatest evil since Hitler, how can anyone...ANYONE...seriously think any government has the technology, money, and time to spy on EVERY SINGLE citizen?!!
Come on! Don't be lazy! Our government has to worry about how it comes off to every country in the world, and how our enemies threaten us. It worries about threats from within and without.
It just plain DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP whether or not YOU walk from the break room to the register. Or why you bought chicken instead of pizza. If you spend your days worrying about every little detail, you will NEVER get anything you deserve!
You are a human being and deserve as much as I do. Fear resigns you to the recess of your already tormented mind. Don't shake and tremble every step you take. Don't constantly look over your back, your head will get stuck that way (I mean that figuratively).
Smile every once in a while. Be happy that you're lucky to be alive, and that even if things haven't always been good..they will be! There is happiness EVERYWHERE. JUST.....BE.....HAPPY. And for Christ's sake...let me be too!
Moderate Liberalist Conservitism
Politically, I tend to be pretty much Moderate, with OCCASIONAL Liberal twitches (damn alcohol), I believe that: BOTH parties are idiots, and it fluctuates from year to year who's more of a moron than the other. It's no longer about believing in good over evil. It's about who's gonna screw over America, and the rest of the world, first...and who's gonna lie less about it. WE can stop it! WE can save anything we want! And there in lies the paradox, and conundrum....we don't want to! Most of this country wants some one else to do their dirty work.
That's why we still have a manipulative felon in the White House! I say "felon" because: if the reports are true and he and Cheney knew about and helped out Valerie Plame, then he AND Cheney must be impeached and thrown in prison! The outing of a Federal Agent (particularly a spy) is a CAPITAL FELONY!!! The president is NO different than any other person in this country and is therefore applicable to the same laws as ALL other citizens.
Ms. Plame continuously put her life on the line in defense of her country, and what did her country do for her? No "thank you," "good job," or awards of any kind.....it turned around and stabbed her in the back!! The ideals, values, and people she believed in: pointed their enemies (and hers too) at her, screamed "spy!" and pretty much threw her on the knife. This country and what ever morals we'd like to believe it has, betrayed one of it's bravest fighters, and DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!!
Valerie is now out of the CIA, and into a life of her own. She remains true to her values and the ideals of her country that she truly holds dear. I ask you all: what kind of hero is that?!! Someone who is consistently betrayed by her country and it's leaders...and STILL stands up for it! She wrote a book ("Fair Game"), which has passages "censored" by the CIA, and she stands strong by her values and her words!
THIS is a HERO!! This is a woman I want representing me in government!! Go Valerie Go!!
I should clarify what I've said earlier: I believe the betrayal, was the fault of the morons in office, not so much the country itself. A country can not operate, without people to give it a voice. And to the rest of the world: most Americans (68% last time I checked) COMPLETELY disaprove and disagree with Dumb ASS...I, mean...Bush.
That's why we still have a manipulative felon in the White House! I say "felon" because: if the reports are true and he and Cheney knew about and helped out Valerie Plame, then he AND Cheney must be impeached and thrown in prison! The outing of a Federal Agent (particularly a spy) is a CAPITAL FELONY!!! The president is NO different than any other person in this country and is therefore applicable to the same laws as ALL other citizens.
Ms. Plame continuously put her life on the line in defense of her country, and what did her country do for her? No "thank you," "good job," or awards of any kind.....it turned around and stabbed her in the back!! The ideals, values, and people she believed in: pointed their enemies (and hers too) at her, screamed "spy!" and pretty much threw her on the knife. This country and what ever morals we'd like to believe it has, betrayed one of it's bravest fighters, and DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!!
Valerie is now out of the CIA, and into a life of her own. She remains true to her values and the ideals of her country that she truly holds dear. I ask you all: what kind of hero is that?!! Someone who is consistently betrayed by her country and it's leaders...and STILL stands up for it! She wrote a book ("Fair Game"), which has passages "censored" by the CIA, and she stands strong by her values and her words!
THIS is a HERO!! This is a woman I want representing me in government!! Go Valerie Go!!
I should clarify what I've said earlier: I believe the betrayal, was the fault of the morons in office, not so much the country itself. A country can not operate, without people to give it a voice. And to the rest of the world: most Americans (68% last time I checked) COMPLETELY disaprove and disagree with Dumb ASS...I, mean...Bush.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Kill Simon
If you've not seen Islander Forward Chris Simon's hit on the Ranger's Ryan Hollweg from their game Thursday night, you need to. It is worse than the Todd Bertuzzi hit on Steve Moore [who's been out of the league since the hit 3 years ago which almost killed him. He wants to come back and play, he's only 28, and STILL isn't medically clear to play] even worse the INFAMOUS Marty McSorley hit on Donald Brashear.
I can't describe Simon's hit accurately enough to even come near my disgust for the man. Suffice it to say: Hollweg did a perfectly, and safely, executed legal check on Simon, and Simon turns around, lifts his stick, and slashes Hollweg accross the neck and face. Simon was suspended for the duration of the season AND the playoffs.
Chris Simon got LUCKY! The fact that that punk is even allowed to return is a joke! He's an insult and a disgrace not only to Hockey as a whole and his team, but to the fans, such as myself, who love the sport. When fans go to a game, we expect some form of extreme physical play, it's part of the game, but when you intentionally use your stick to cause life threatening harm, you are no longer an athlete, you're a criminal and had the hit been even the littlest bit harder, you're a murderer. This sport, and this country has no place for people who: know the rules of their sport, have been in the league long enough to make it evident that they know the rules, and have broken them enough times to learn that their suspensions are NOT suggestions. They're lessons to be taken seriously and to heart.
I LOVE the sport of Hockey, and to have someone like Chris Simon in it, is an embarassment and a humiliation. I am ashamed to know that this man is what people will think of, even for a little while, when they hear the word Hockey. Maybe he needs to sit down with Marty McSorley, and learn what it's like to be banned from your dream and your livelihood. Or maybe, he needs to understand the pain that Donald Brashear felt, and what he inflicted upon Ryan Hollweg. He's been suspended before, and hasn't learned. He keeps making mistakes, and that indicates little, if any, remorse. He didn't learn before, he's not gonna learn now. Get him out! He's disgracing my: sport, fans, and my state.
I can't describe Simon's hit accurately enough to even come near my disgust for the man. Suffice it to say: Hollweg did a perfectly, and safely, executed legal check on Simon, and Simon turns around, lifts his stick, and slashes Hollweg accross the neck and face. Simon was suspended for the duration of the season AND the playoffs.
Chris Simon got LUCKY! The fact that that punk is even allowed to return is a joke! He's an insult and a disgrace not only to Hockey as a whole and his team, but to the fans, such as myself, who love the sport. When fans go to a game, we expect some form of extreme physical play, it's part of the game, but when you intentionally use your stick to cause life threatening harm, you are no longer an athlete, you're a criminal and had the hit been even the littlest bit harder, you're a murderer. This sport, and this country has no place for people who: know the rules of their sport, have been in the league long enough to make it evident that they know the rules, and have broken them enough times to learn that their suspensions are NOT suggestions. They're lessons to be taken seriously and to heart.
I LOVE the sport of Hockey, and to have someone like Chris Simon in it, is an embarassment and a humiliation. I am ashamed to know that this man is what people will think of, even for a little while, when they hear the word Hockey. Maybe he needs to sit down with Marty McSorley, and learn what it's like to be banned from your dream and your livelihood. Or maybe, he needs to understand the pain that Donald Brashear felt, and what he inflicted upon Ryan Hollweg. He's been suspended before, and hasn't learned. He keeps making mistakes, and that indicates little, if any, remorse. He didn't learn before, he's not gonna learn now. Get him out! He's disgracing my: sport, fans, and my state.
The Big Guy & The Angel
I don't know much about parenting, in fact, I know next to nothing, but that doesn't stop me from learning as much as I can, as fast as I can. Unfortunately, my perceptions of how everything supposedly goes, doesn't always jive with how it actually goes.
I always knew there would come a point when I'd have to change a diaper, and I planned on that being a LONG time before I have kids [there's an image for those who know me really well...little pun riddled Dans running around], but I didn't know it'd be quite this hard. It's one thing to see some one else changing their kid on a table in a restroom, it's something entirely different when that kid is yours. Now I say "yours" in a secondary sense, because Jamie and Jason are my niece and nephew. It's not easy to do, and A LOT worse to smell, when the kid getting changed, is your flesh and blood.
Everything has a stronger...impact. Everything means more. And since I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm constantly afraid of hurting them in any way. When you have kids, or in my case, my brother and sister(in-law) have kids, EVERYTHING changes. And I don't just mean your entire world...I mean EVERYTHING! Everything within you, and every part of who you thought you'd be around kids, changes.
You notice things that have been dead to your mind for your entire life. You see things your eyes have never crossed, you feel things your hands have never touched, and you cetainly smell things your nose never fathomed. You can see all this happening to thousands of people many times over, but none of it truly hits you until the kids become yours [again, I refer to my brother and sister(in-law)].
I have always understood a parent's love for their children, but I never felt it like I do with Jamie and Jason. I may not be their parent, but I sure feel that close. I love them like their parents do and I will protect and guard them as their parents do. One of the first things I told my brother and sister(in-law) was: that if it were up to me, which in some cases it's a good thing it's not, I'd find the tallest place I could, and do the "Lion King" thing [hold them up to the heavens, as an angelic beam of light graces them].
Jamie and Jason fill my life and my heart with a joy and love, I never knew. They give me a pride and everlasting smile in my spirit that makes me glow every day I wake, and every night I go to sleep. There is nothing this world that makes you happier than kids. Everything Jamie and Jason do is cute. They are my pride and joy. Jamie is "My Angel", Jason is "My Guy."
To be their Uncle is an blessing nothing will ever match, or touch. They are my heroes. It's amazing to be an Uncle, but it's beyond words to be their "Unc-D."
Thank you Lar & Lor, for my heroes.
I always knew there would come a point when I'd have to change a diaper, and I planned on that being a LONG time before I have kids [there's an image for those who know me really well...little pun riddled Dans running around], but I didn't know it'd be quite this hard. It's one thing to see some one else changing their kid on a table in a restroom, it's something entirely different when that kid is yours. Now I say "yours" in a secondary sense, because Jamie and Jason are my niece and nephew. It's not easy to do, and A LOT worse to smell, when the kid getting changed, is your flesh and blood.
Everything has a stronger...impact. Everything means more. And since I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm constantly afraid of hurting them in any way. When you have kids, or in my case, my brother and sister(in-law) have kids, EVERYTHING changes. And I don't just mean your entire world...I mean EVERYTHING! Everything within you, and every part of who you thought you'd be around kids, changes.
You notice things that have been dead to your mind for your entire life. You see things your eyes have never crossed, you feel things your hands have never touched, and you cetainly smell things your nose never fathomed. You can see all this happening to thousands of people many times over, but none of it truly hits you until the kids become yours [again, I refer to my brother and sister(in-law)].
I have always understood a parent's love for their children, but I never felt it like I do with Jamie and Jason. I may not be their parent, but I sure feel that close. I love them like their parents do and I will protect and guard them as their parents do. One of the first things I told my brother and sister(in-law) was: that if it were up to me, which in some cases it's a good thing it's not, I'd find the tallest place I could, and do the "Lion King" thing [hold them up to the heavens, as an angelic beam of light graces them].
Jamie and Jason fill my life and my heart with a joy and love, I never knew. They give me a pride and everlasting smile in my spirit that makes me glow every day I wake, and every night I go to sleep. There is nothing this world that makes you happier than kids. Everything Jamie and Jason do is cute. They are my pride and joy. Jamie is "My Angel", Jason is "My Guy."
To be their Uncle is an blessing nothing will ever match, or touch. They are my heroes. It's amazing to be an Uncle, but it's beyond words to be their "Unc-D."
Thank you Lar & Lor, for my heroes.
The Big Cry
There are few things an life greater than having kids, and [much like my previous "blog"] I say "having kids" in a secondary sense, because Jason is my nephew, they change your life in profound ways. They make EVERYTHING mean more, and every feeling hold more weight. In some cases, they make things hurt more.
Now I mean this is no offense to anyone, particularly "my guy," Jason, but while kids do bring you to unbelievable highs of joy, they also can bring you to unimaginable heart crushing lows. You can feel so much joy one moment, and feel utterly useless, and hopeless the next.
You can be the greatest person on the planet, but when a child is crying and there's nothing you can do to help, you're meaningless. You can't do a damn thing to help, everything that occurs to you is immediately written off as the wrong thing, and you run circles in your head trying to think of anything to make you feel more than a waste of space.
It is indescribably paralyzing to sit and watch a child cry, and want with every fiber inside you to help...to want to do ANYTHING! Any damn thing to help, and not have the foggiest clue how to. The child can't tell you what's wrong, so you have to guess. GREAT! Now someone I love's become a game show! "Let's see Chuck, he's crying and spitting up a little, sooooo...either he's hungry or his tummy hurts. Ooooo! That's a tough one. What door's the million bucks behind?"
It is so frustrating, you just wanna: ball your fists, grit your teeth, and find a wall [preferably non load bearing] and put your fist through it. You want to help, but you have no idea what the problem is, no concept of any way to help, and that knowledge doesn't help at all! You can't say, "well I don't know what I can do," and throw your hands up. It's not an "ehh, what can you do?" situation.
It's an anger and frustration, that will not go away, and will not be quieted. You can't stop the frustration because the feeling to help and ease the child's pain [other wise known as love], is MUCH stronger. So the frustration just snowballs, and eventually becomes an avalanche. While this is going on the one nagging thought in your mind is: "I have never felt so pointless and inadiquate in my life."
Of course, in all honesty, I'd much rather go through this, than not have Jason at all. There comes a time in your life, when you realize, any pain is worth the love you feel for them.
I Love you Jason!
Now I mean this is no offense to anyone, particularly "my guy," Jason, but while kids do bring you to unbelievable highs of joy, they also can bring you to unimaginable heart crushing lows. You can feel so much joy one moment, and feel utterly useless, and hopeless the next.
You can be the greatest person on the planet, but when a child is crying and there's nothing you can do to help, you're meaningless. You can't do a damn thing to help, everything that occurs to you is immediately written off as the wrong thing, and you run circles in your head trying to think of anything to make you feel more than a waste of space.
It is indescribably paralyzing to sit and watch a child cry, and want with every fiber inside you to help...to want to do ANYTHING! Any damn thing to help, and not have the foggiest clue how to. The child can't tell you what's wrong, so you have to guess. GREAT! Now someone I love's become a game show! "Let's see Chuck, he's crying and spitting up a little, sooooo...either he's hungry or his tummy hurts. Ooooo! That's a tough one. What door's the million bucks behind?"
It is so frustrating, you just wanna: ball your fists, grit your teeth, and find a wall [preferably non load bearing] and put your fist through it. You want to help, but you have no idea what the problem is, no concept of any way to help, and that knowledge doesn't help at all! You can't say, "well I don't know what I can do," and throw your hands up. It's not an "ehh, what can you do?" situation.
It's an anger and frustration, that will not go away, and will not be quieted. You can't stop the frustration because the feeling to help and ease the child's pain [other wise known as love], is MUCH stronger. So the frustration just snowballs, and eventually becomes an avalanche. While this is going on the one nagging thought in your mind is: "I have never felt so pointless and inadiquate in my life."
Of course, in all honesty, I'd much rather go through this, than not have Jason at all. There comes a time in your life, when you realize, any pain is worth the love you feel for them.
I Love you Jason!
Imus
There are things in life that go deeper than just one issue. Take Imus, or Chris Simon, for example. Sure they have a history of, well, shooting their mouths off when they're not supposed to. I'm not defending, and I'm sure as hell not supporting, their actions in any way. But you have to wonder if they really learned anything at all.
I'm not talking just about what Imus called the Rutger's women's basketball team [who, by the way, are immensely talented athletes], or what Chris Simon did to Ryan Hollweg, I'm talking about rules and respect. Every place has them, and every place has a reason for them.
They're not novelty acts or moves of contrition from some earlier sin, they're to be taken seriously and obeyed. The government doesn't say "maybe you shouldn't have shot that guy, it seems to have hurt," and you shouldn't need to be told: not to racially slur ANYONE, or damn near behead them on the ice.
The other big issue in both these cases, is a complete disregard of common sense. How many years do you have to be "in the business," to learn what the rules are, not to break them, and what precisely will happen if you do?!
It seems to me that both Imus, and Simon: damn well knew the rules, knew what would happen if they either broke them or challenged them, and simply decided not to give a damn. This is evident because both men have broken the rules before, and showed little, if any, remorse.
Hey, guys! You got what's comming to ya. Don't be surprised, don't bull shit me like you didn't see it, and don't pretend like any of this is really sinking in. You haven't learned your lessons before, however many hundred times it was, you haven't learned it now. And not a single person believes you have. If you're willing to throw away a career you obviously worship, how can anyone believe you ever truly cared in the first place?
Imus: you were in radio for God's sake! Didn't it ever occur to you, that the reason you're on the air is because people listen?! You're there to entertain THEM! Not yourself. If you want to do that, sit at home with the shades drawn.
Further more, you had to believe in this great country of ours, that not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone's gonna like you, some people might not even be able to stand you, and above all else, EVERYONE is equal!
Don't think, for a second, that MSNBC and CBS did the wrong thing. They are the smart ones in this case. I applaud both networks for their decision, but I give a rousing ovation to CBS. Not only did your comments regarding MSNBC's firing, show an abscence of morals, but it showed that you weren't affraid. You continued not to take anything seriously, and failed to notice the value of what was about to happen.
Everyone knows your sphere of influence exists because CBS controls it. CBS, took down the giant. They hit you where it mattered. I hope THAT truly makes you feel something.
As for Chris Simon: read my "Hockey Blog."
In summation: if you ever wonder why you're constantly in trouble....to quote Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar," "Stop breakin the law ass hole!"
I'm not talking just about what Imus called the Rutger's women's basketball team [who, by the way, are immensely talented athletes], or what Chris Simon did to Ryan Hollweg, I'm talking about rules and respect. Every place has them, and every place has a reason for them.
They're not novelty acts or moves of contrition from some earlier sin, they're to be taken seriously and obeyed. The government doesn't say "maybe you shouldn't have shot that guy, it seems to have hurt," and you shouldn't need to be told: not to racially slur ANYONE, or damn near behead them on the ice.
The other big issue in both these cases, is a complete disregard of common sense. How many years do you have to be "in the business," to learn what the rules are, not to break them, and what precisely will happen if you do?!
It seems to me that both Imus, and Simon: damn well knew the rules, knew what would happen if they either broke them or challenged them, and simply decided not to give a damn. This is evident because both men have broken the rules before, and showed little, if any, remorse.
Hey, guys! You got what's comming to ya. Don't be surprised, don't bull shit me like you didn't see it, and don't pretend like any of this is really sinking in. You haven't learned your lessons before, however many hundred times it was, you haven't learned it now. And not a single person believes you have. If you're willing to throw away a career you obviously worship, how can anyone believe you ever truly cared in the first place?
Imus: you were in radio for God's sake! Didn't it ever occur to you, that the reason you're on the air is because people listen?! You're there to entertain THEM! Not yourself. If you want to do that, sit at home with the shades drawn.
Further more, you had to believe in this great country of ours, that not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone's gonna like you, some people might not even be able to stand you, and above all else, EVERYONE is equal!
Don't think, for a second, that MSNBC and CBS did the wrong thing. They are the smart ones in this case. I applaud both networks for their decision, but I give a rousing ovation to CBS. Not only did your comments regarding MSNBC's firing, show an abscence of morals, but it showed that you weren't affraid. You continued not to take anything seriously, and failed to notice the value of what was about to happen.
Everyone knows your sphere of influence exists because CBS controls it. CBS, took down the giant. They hit you where it mattered. I hope THAT truly makes you feel something.
As for Chris Simon: read my "Hockey Blog."
In summation: if you ever wonder why you're constantly in trouble....to quote Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar," "Stop breakin the law ass hole!"
Phoning It In
I wrote this over the summer, in response to a letter my brother in law, Patrick, sent to me from his iPhone. At the end of the letter, the "Sincerely" part, he (I didn't know, when this was originally written, that the iPhone adds "from my iPhone" on its own.) made special humorous note that he sent it from his iPhone. You see, he's quite proud of the thing, and to be honest, it's pretty damn cool. So I thought it'd be pretty damn funny to write a letter to the iPhone itself. Here's the result:
Mr....uh...Patrick's iPhone-
I'm sorry to great you with such muted geniality, but it is tough for me to know how to great a phone. I could have started with the ol' "good to see you once again good buddy," but seeing as we have not really ever formed a formal friendship I thought that might be a bit presumptious of me. I immediately through out the classic and street wise "what up, my man? How goes it?" In light of the fact that, well, let's be honest here, it makes me sound quite pathetic and I'm not that cool. To that effect, the phraze "I hope this day finds you in high spirits, good sir," also makes me sound quite pathetic and...British. In the abscence of a formal greeting I felt would do the trick, I begrudgingly decided to air on the side of muted geniality. I hope I have not let you down with the soft opening to my letter, but I do intend to get to know you as friends rightly should. I know it is tough in the retail world. Sitting in a store somewhere you do not know. Being looked after and cared for by people whose intentions you are never truly sure are really all that bittersweet. Hoping that one day some kind young lady will grace that which you've come to accept as home, and take you from the tensions of wondering "will this day finally be mine?" and bring you to proper place of residence. A place where all that worries you can be comforted in the calming and relaxing hands of your owner. I hope Patrick has been: comforting in your times of need, soothing when anger rages inside of you, and has always lent a willing and open ear to your concerns and joys. I know Patrick to be a VERY kind, caring, and extremely humorous man. I have spent many a time enjoying his company, and laughing along with him, and I can assure you, you will do the same. As for now, I will sign off and leave you with this: you are in VERY kind and decent hands, and your life will be filled with many joys, but should anything in any way negative happen, Patrick will take you the world's foremost specialists who will deduce and correct anything that ails you as fast as possible. You are one lucky phone, and I hope to see you soon to further our friendship. Good luck and god bless.
Sincerely,
Patrick's brother-in-law,
Dan
Mr....uh...Patrick's iPhone-
I'm sorry to great you with such muted geniality, but it is tough for me to know how to great a phone. I could have started with the ol' "good to see you once again good buddy," but seeing as we have not really ever formed a formal friendship I thought that might be a bit presumptious of me. I immediately through out the classic and street wise "what up, my man? How goes it?" In light of the fact that, well, let's be honest here, it makes me sound quite pathetic and I'm not that cool. To that effect, the phraze "I hope this day finds you in high spirits, good sir," also makes me sound quite pathetic and...British. In the abscence of a formal greeting I felt would do the trick, I begrudgingly decided to air on the side of muted geniality. I hope I have not let you down with the soft opening to my letter, but I do intend to get to know you as friends rightly should. I know it is tough in the retail world. Sitting in a store somewhere you do not know. Being looked after and cared for by people whose intentions you are never truly sure are really all that bittersweet. Hoping that one day some kind young lady will grace that which you've come to accept as home, and take you from the tensions of wondering "will this day finally be mine?" and bring you to proper place of residence. A place where all that worries you can be comforted in the calming and relaxing hands of your owner. I hope Patrick has been: comforting in your times of need, soothing when anger rages inside of you, and has always lent a willing and open ear to your concerns and joys. I know Patrick to be a VERY kind, caring, and extremely humorous man. I have spent many a time enjoying his company, and laughing along with him, and I can assure you, you will do the same. As for now, I will sign off and leave you with this: you are in VERY kind and decent hands, and your life will be filled with many joys, but should anything in any way negative happen, Patrick will take you the world's foremost specialists who will deduce and correct anything that ails you as fast as possible. You are one lucky phone, and I hope to see you soon to further our friendship. Good luck and god bless.
Sincerely,
Patrick's brother-in-law,
Dan
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