The Big Cry

There are few things an life greater than having kids, and [much like my previous "blog"] I say "having kids" in a secondary sense, because Jason is my nephew, they change your life in profound ways. They make EVERYTHING mean more, and every feeling hold more weight. In some cases, they make things hurt more.

Now I mean this is no offense to anyone, particularly "my guy," Jason, but while kids do bring you to unbelievable highs of joy, they also can bring you to unimaginable heart crushing lows. You can feel so much joy one moment, and feel utterly useless, and hopeless the next.

You can be the greatest person on the planet, but when a child is crying and there's nothing you can do to help, you're meaningless. You can't do a damn thing to help, everything that occurs to you is immediately written off as the wrong thing, and you run circles in your head trying to think of anything to make you feel more than a waste of space.

It is indescribably paralyzing to sit and watch a child cry, and want with every fiber inside you to help...to want to do ANYTHING! Any damn thing to help, and not have the foggiest clue how to. The child can't tell you what's wrong, so you have to guess. GREAT! Now someone I love's become a game show! "Let's see Chuck, he's crying and spitting up a little, sooooo...either he's hungry or his tummy hurts. Ooooo! That's a tough one. What door's the million bucks behind?"

It is so frustrating, you just wanna: ball your fists, grit your teeth, and find a wall [preferably non load bearing] and put your fist through it. You want to help, but you have no idea what the problem is, no concept of any way to help, and that knowledge doesn't help at all! You can't say, "well I don't know what I can do," and throw your hands up. It's not an "ehh, what can you do?" situation.

It's an anger and frustration, that will not go away, and will not be quieted. You can't stop the frustration because the feeling to help and ease the child's pain [other wise known as love], is MUCH stronger. So the frustration just snowballs, and eventually becomes an avalanche. While this is going on the one nagging thought in your mind is: "I have never felt so pointless and inadiquate in my life."

Of course, in all honesty, I'd much rather go through this, than not have Jason at all. There comes a time in your life, when you realize, any pain is worth the love you feel for them.

I Love you Jason!