Phoning It In

I wrote this over the summer, in response to a letter my brother in law, Patrick, sent to me from his iPhone. At the end of the letter, the "Sincerely" part, he (I didn't know, when this was originally written, that the iPhone adds "from my iPhone" on its own.) made special humorous note that he sent it from his iPhone. You see, he's quite proud of the thing, and to be honest, it's pretty damn cool. So I thought it'd be pretty damn funny to write a letter to the iPhone itself. Here's the result:

Mr....uh...Patrick's iPhone-
I'm sorry to great you with such muted geniality, but it is tough for me to know how to great a phone. I could have started with the ol' "good to see you once again good buddy," but seeing as we have not really ever formed a formal friendship I thought that might be a bit presumptious of me. I immediately through out the classic and street wise "what up, my man? How goes it?" In light of the fact that, well, let's be honest here, it makes me sound quite pathetic and I'm not that cool. To that effect, the phraze "I hope this day finds you in high spirits, good sir," also makes me sound quite pathetic and...British. In the abscence of a formal greeting I felt would do the trick, I begrudgingly decided to air on the side of muted geniality. I hope I have not let you down with the soft opening to my letter, but I do intend to get to know you as friends rightly should. I know it is tough in the retail world. Sitting in a store somewhere you do not know. Being looked after and cared for by people whose intentions you are never truly sure are really all that bittersweet. Hoping that one day some kind young lady will grace that which you've come to accept as home, and take you from the tensions of wondering "will this day finally be mine?" and bring you to proper place of residence. A place where all that worries you can be comforted in the calming and relaxing hands of your owner. I hope Patrick has been: comforting in your times of need, soothing when anger rages inside of you, and has always lent a willing and open ear to your concerns and joys. I know Patrick to be a VERY kind, caring, and extremely humorous man. I have spent many a time enjoying his company, and laughing along with him, and I can assure you, you will do the same. As for now, I will sign off and leave you with this: you are in VERY kind and decent hands, and your life will be filled with many joys, but should anything in any way negative happen, Patrick will take you the world's foremost specialists who will deduce and correct anything that ails you as fast as possible. You are one lucky phone, and I hope to see you soon to further our friendship. Good luck and god bless.

Sincerely,
Patrick's brother-in-law,
Dan