Valley Of the Dead

A few days back I found myself wondering: if the small percent of people in this world, or even in this country, truly capable and smart enough to run it….actually did, how big of a high would we be on?

Probably not as big as one might project initially, because power corrupts, but we'd be a hell of a lot better off. But let's say that actually happened. All the control and the welfare of this country and it's people passed to the small percentage of truly smart people capable of governing..what would that look like?

Well, for starters, we'd be fucked. Our population would drop from 4…whatever million it currently is, to around…20 to 30 thousand. Not in one particular area, TOTAL! We'd need a COMPLETE, MASSIVE, RE-election of every damn office of government. Because, don't kid yourself here, not a single one of those pricks knows what the fuck they're doing…no matter how much you like them.

Except for, maybe: New York's Chuck Schumer, Minnesota's Amy Klobuchar, and Wisconsin's Russ Feingold. That's right, I said "New York's CHUCK SHUMER." NOT Hilary Clinton (I am SO ashamed of my state), Chuck Schumer.

I have ABSOLUTELY nothing against women running for president. As a matter of fact, I think one of them SHOULD be president….just not Hilary. I'd rather spend five hours in a rat hole, sucking a car exhaust pipe with Satan, than spend 2 seconds listening to anything she has to say.

Let me feed you some background on that. Back in my home town of Syracuse, NY, I worked for the Museum Of Science and Technology downtown (or what could be considered downtown) for a year or so. I was an usher (ticket taker, projectionist, theater attendant) for the IMAX Omintheater at the time Hilary and her entourage came through the area on a campaign oppression...sorry, campaign tour.

Her posse, which is actually the correct word, not "entourage," went into the theater to see an IMAX film. After personally telling each of us that she'd be in the theater herself to see the film and see what her contemporaries did on the job, she immediately turned her back and walked away.

Contemporaries (lie 1)?! The only people equal through her eyes are those with millions in their wallets, and Armani on their backs. Sure her posse didn't mean their sentiments either, but at least they had the cojones to listen to what people had to say.

Shortly after the film, and her blindingly obvious patronizing walk around the museum, she asked us to pose for a picture with her. Actually, she just yelled mildly loud, and when a few of us didn't hear her (cause you know, we were busy..DOING OUR JOBS!), she made one of her oompa loompas go around and remind us.

At the end of the photo...shoot, she asked if there were any questions. Yeah, why New York?! What the fuck did we ever do to you?! I didn't say that, I sure as hell thought it though. I forget what I asked, but her response if you can call it that, was to answer with another question having NOTHING to do with mine. She ACTUALLY passed the question off to a posse member, who answered it fairly well given the intelligence (and humanity) Hilary just sucked out of the building.

Through out the entire evening she was like glass. She never gave any indication, from what I know, that she gave half a shit about who we were as people, what our jobs entailed, and what we felt about politics. It's understandable, but not acceptable, if she was speaking to someone from...let's say, Maine...and didn't give a shit because Maine's not her state.

But when you completely brush off, and disrespect people from your own state...people who control whether or not you get elected...it's disgraceful. Every vote, every voice in this country matters! EVERY SINGLE ONE! Don't let any one bull shit you into believing otherwise! Everyone has an opinion, every one has a right to express it, and everyone has a right to tell someone who is misleading their state, and their country, to GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

Those houses, governor..wise or presidential, are NOT the government's, their yours! Mine, yours, and every other citizen's those pricks are supposed to represent. We have every right to say: shut up, get out, and leave us the fuck alone!

I'm sorry, I don't give a shit who you are (unless you're my wife, or family) the world doesn't spin around you. My job is to assist museum guests, not some pompous jack ass who thinks she's the shit! Surprise Hilary, you're not! BILL IS! HE, and he alone, is responsible for your fame. If it wasn't for his name, you'd be no where.

Speaking of people who'd be no where: to paraphrase Bill Engvall and more graphicly George Carlin, my god there are a lot of stupid fuckers out there. I have an idea: why don't we take all those dumb asses that Bill Engvall's given signs to, and dump 'em in a valley some where.

A valley where only the small margin of smart people, know how to get to, and where the only things these idiots have to worry about is: which sand dune tastes more like water and why their niece/daughter's head is so misshapen.

The epitome of such astonishing and blinding stupidity, are these jackasses who walk around college towns, or areas of major cities where college age students live, and stick post its and flyers on car windshields. You're not doing anyone any favors. You're not passing out employment opportunities, you're commiting a felony. A person's car is their private property and their private space. Posting something on their car is like nailing porn to the window siding of their house. If you want to get away with it, than you should either be arrested or have something offensive and morally degrading stapled to your fore head. Then you can join the other mindless lemmings in the valley.

These are people who: 1. when walking out of the MINNEAPOLIS Convention Center, stop to ask me "which direction is Minneapolis," or 2. stand in front of me at a movie theater and take 5 fucking minutes staring up at showtimes, only to walk up the cashier and ask "is Harry Potter playing today?" And 3. my personal favorite: "do you work here," (at a place I DON'T work, and it's evident that I don't) I say no and they follow up with, "is there a bathroom?" Or, "Do you have....?"

Do you have any idea how hard it is NOT to be a smart ass when some one asks you those questions? It can literally cause a stroke trying to dodge sarcasm. Here's what I'd say: 1. "Minneapolis is....wait! Shit! Minneapolis! Fuck! I thought we were in Berumuda!" 2. "Nope, those are just suggestions for we thought we might want to show. We thought we'd fuck with you." 3. "Nope, they're just gonna fill you coffee, make you stand around and shit on the floor." and "Yes, we do, but I have no idea where it is."

We could invent some sort of restorative brain technique or machine to at least force these idiots to think, but then they'd probably try to find a way to use it to have kid number 40, or to cheat an alcohol detecting ankle bracelet.

Which brings me to my next subject, the Human Crack Farm...I mean, Lindsay Lohan. Why in the hell does anyone give a shit about her anymore? Don't bring her family into this, they're supposed to help. Which they don't appear to be giving a shit enough to do. They have taken action though, but only to bitch and assign blame for which parent is at fault.

In a recent MSN.com article, a reporter (who's name I forgot) stated that the only way to save Lindsay is to send her to jail. Wrong! It won't save her. She won't learn or get anything. Except a cell phone snuck to her (a la the ultimate fame/criminal whore Paris Hilton) and a shower moment only seen in porn.

The only way to save Lindsay, is not to. Leave her alone, and let her fall. Let the law take care of what ever it needs to, and believe me that will be A LOT, and let her crash. Drug use is premeditated. She knows what she's doing, she knows who she's hurting, she's apparently not minding destroying her family and her life, so why waste our time trying to help?

She won't take it, and she keeps following down ol' dad's path. Which is further ironic, given her comments years back that she won't be lack dad. She loves her family (apparently not anymore) and she won't see them in shambles. You want to know what everyone is trying to example of whom not to be like? You, Lindsay!

Some people will only learn through severe pain and tragedy, Lindsay is one of those people. And apparently it needs to happen to her. I'm not wishing her death, FAR from it, I'm only saying she needs to fall and fall HARD. She needs to loose something before she realizes what it mattered. And she's needs to realize that she's an ass. Maybe she can change that, but it looks unlikely.

A lot of comparisons have been made to Robert Downey Jr. While their stories are VERY similar, Downey was smart enought to save himself. He realized what he lost and what mattered. He was an ass, too...so he stopped and got his life back. Kodos and all my applause Robert.

He was pathetic, now he's back on track and apparently happy...Lindsay's APATHETIC, apparently hopeless, and going to stay that way.

In conclusion: instead of letting all the morons roam free, why not find them a valley somewhere, where they can: romp gleefully, mate with their siblings, and drink sand. Or maybe, just simply, we should take Bill Engvall's suggestion. Of course, only 20 - 30 thousand of us would be sign free. If you're running for any office: smile, be sincere, when someone asks you a question..ANSWER IT without passing the buck onto someone else! It's not their job! Above all: mean what you say, don't openly lie, and for Christ's sake, give a shit!

Sometimes, as hard as it is to believe or swallow, some people can't be saved. The legal system can't help them, their families can't, and all they want is to destroy themselves. So let them. They'll collapse, and they'll realize just what they've lost and what they can be will be A LOT better. That's when to step in and help. That's when they know they need you, but because of withdrawl, they ave trouble asking. Those moments are when you matter the most, and when you will matter most to them..and they will remember that. You will be praised for what you did. You just have to keep that in mind, and smile when it happens. That happiness will erase, even if only for a moment, all the evil that came before.