Down the Rabbit Hole

There is something wrong with the world. You are being lied to. Take the blue pill, and believe whatever you would like to believe. Take the red pill, and we will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes...

It goes pretty far. Just as Laurence Fishburn showed Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, so I have been shown in the real world

As a writer, I've realized a lot of things this year, and in years past. When doing research for a story, the only person you have to rely on is yourself. It's nice to have family and friends help you out and answer questions when you need them. But they're your friends and family, that's what they're there for..to help. And more often then not, they'll be there for you to call on when you need them. Even if it's for just a quick, albeit seemingly pointless, inquiry at the time.

For a city that has spawned such legends as: Prince, Bob Dylan, Al Franken (sorry guys, like him or not, he's a legend..and pretty damn funny too), Soul Asylum, and even the boys from Semisonic (damn you Dan Wilson! I can't get that "Closing Time" song out of my head), you'd expect to be able to get a few questions answered with the simple opener "hi, I'm a writer, and I'm writing a story on....."

You'd expect that, and you'd be DEAD fucking wrong! I love Minneapolis, I really do. But trying to ask a simple question, in a calm and friendly unassuming way, is about as effective as joining the Timberwolves by headbutting an electrified lightning rod at 90 miles an hour. Sure you'd be pretty severely injured, and a bit drain banamaged....I mean, brain damaged, but you'd be better than over three quarters of the team (Kevin Garnett being the remaining percentage).

Okay, maybe that's not the best comparison, but you get my point. You get virtually no where either way. This is a city with A LOT of fame, and history behind it! Minneapolis carries quite a big punch in the fame market, and when you can't get a single person to help you out (except the good folks at Wedding Day Diamonds in Maple Grove) you begin to wonder "why is this city even fucking famous at all?!!"

How is it possible that all these legends got their start, and got their proverbial fame wagon rolling, when not a single person would help them out? Or is it their choice of career which endeered them to the city's history?

No, it can't be. Look at: Vince Flynn, P.J. Tracy (a mother-daughter team, half of whom no longer live here), John Sandford, William Kent Kruger. All authors. They had to have gotten help from somewhere. And since their novels are set here, they either knew everything about the places they were writing, or asked some one for help.

I've been advised by both Minnesota writers, and average people, to just ask someone. Be nice, and just ask. Mention that you're a writer, and be nice, and people will respond. Generally, yes, if you're nice and kind people in Minneapolis will treat you the same way. NOT if you're a writer! I can't tell you how many glassy eyed, rubber stamp, carbon copy, responses I've gotten simply by smiling at someone and kindly asking for help.

I know it's all in the way you "pitch" it, but like I said, this is a city that is no stranger to fame. Minneapolis, and it's denizens, know what fame is like and have come accross dozens of newbies trying to get off the ground. They should recognize help when it needs it. After all, isn't there something called "Minnesota Nice?"

Which, coincidentally, I've been told by Minnesotans themselves, is the biggest load of bullshit perpetrated on humankind in hundreds of years. I'll say that again, I DIDN'T come up with that, several NATIVE MINNESOTANS have told me that. I for one am quite fond of Minnesota, it's the best place I've lived since leaving my home in New York. There's just A LOT of stuff I don't get. Which is pretty common in any state, or country for that matter.

I just wish that when I asked a question, because as a writer I want to know what the hell I'm writing about, the question got answered. It's not fun being ignored, or getting your hopes up that you'll finally be able to get somewhere, only to end up chasing the rabbit further down the hole.

And speaking of chasing rabbits down holes, can any tell me what the fuck the point of Myspace is? I know for meeting friends, and I've made quite a lot. But only a few of them can actually be called friends.

Myspace has turned the word "friends" into a euphemism, or a novelty act. Friends are people you joke around with, playfully tease, or hang out with at sports bars, ball games, or (shudder) the mall. NOT a mouse click on a computer! It never hurts to meet new people, but when 90+ percent of those people either NEVER check their mail, or have no intention of getting back to you...it makes the whole process worthless.

There are exceptions to that statement of course. There are people who, as I've mentioned before, take time out of their busy schedules to write you back. Not just people you know, who you may have no other way of getting in touch with other than Myspace, but famous people. People you admire, look up to, and in some cases, adore.

These people not only show their true gift as musicians, actors, or comedians, but as human beings. These are the people who remind us that: no matter how different we are, no matter how much we think they're better than us at what they do and we wish we could do, that we are all alike and equal. They remind us that they are human, and just as prone to...well, to quote a friend of mine, "fuck up,".....as much as we are.

Simply by responding to an e-mail from someone they'll probably never meet, they show us that it doesn't matter how big they are, or how many marquees have beared their name, everyone matters to them. Everyone! That is a friend! That is someone truly to be admired.

I thank them, each and every one, for responding to my inquiries. Thank you: Jane Monheit, Kevin Steinman, J. Tyler O'neill, Katherine Crowe, & Erin Bode.

What Myspace, isn't good for, is..well, most of things it says it IS good for. You can only get hits on your page if someone actually looks at it. NOT from glancing at it, on their way to something else. From actually reading what you have to say. And that has only happened in ONE instance I have EVER heard of in my life! My cousin Kevin and his fiancee Ina.

I just want some one, ANY ONE, to READ what I have to say! I can only pray to have the love they have. And I hope I get it. Even this way, although I don't have any confidence (aside from what I've witnessed with Kevin and Ina) in this whole internet thing.

When no one looks at something you put A LOT of effort into, it's like being ignored. You wonder why you've wasted so much time and blown so much energy. Which is the very thing I wonder about my writing. Everyone I know who has seen it, compliments me and tells me how talented I am.

I haven't thought of myself as talented at really anything, except writing...which I love doing. For someone to see that, and feel what I intend the reader to feel, or even to convey to me their perceptions of what I've written is an honor. It's also frustrating and very annoying when no one gives you the time of day.

But as I've said before, there are exceptions. According to Myspace I have 80 some odd "friends." These are the people who've responded back to me, the people who really can assume that label: Kevin Steinman and his fiancee Ina, J. Tyler O'neill, Jane Monheit, Anthony (I promised I wouldn't reveal his last name), Justin Hall (ooops, sorry, "Metro"), Jamie-San (no last name again), Christopher Moore, Erin Bode, Molly Zi...Zie..(sorry Molly, I fear I'm gonna screw up your last name again) and Beth Fedor.

Eleven people out of 80+. My point is this: Myspace really has no clue about what the word "friend" means, what's next...love? Don't fuck with love.

In summation, finally: research is best approached, if at all, from a calm unassuming and well meaning and well researched itself, way. In a sense, you have to research, research. Just getting out in the world and approaching people kindly, and explaining your purpose, gets you no where and gets you nothing. Except glassy eyes, drug stoned expressions, and fake promises. Myspace is great: for talking to people you otherwise would not be able to get ahold of in any other way, and talking to people you admire. If you're lucky and find the few of them who will actually respond to you, you can say you truly know a decent and kind person. Some one who deserves every bit of their fame.

If someone actually does READ your page, and what you have to say, than rest in the fact that they are responding to who you really are. Or at least the "you" you present on this pain in the ass (Myspace). And, let me know what that feels like. Thank you to my cousin Kevin, for letting me be a part of your life, and your career. I have helped in every way I know I can, and you keep letting me. I know I'm not the greatest guy around, but you still call on me if you need to. I look up to you every day, Kev, and I only wish I could have half the luck, talent, and love that you do. I hope I can continue to be part of your life and career.

If anyone offers you the red pill or the blue pill: grab the red one, slug down some water, and hang on. The hole's pretty deep, and the rabbit's pretty fast.