UncD

Idiocracy: Non-Sensical Ramblings From the Lunatic Fringe

2009-09-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

There are billions of things in life that don't make sense, some that are totally ridiculous, and others that are just insane. Questions that are asked to us, and things that are said, both in the mainstream spotlight, at what ever job we go to, and in our everyday lives. I don't have the time, the page limitations, and the desire to list all of them, so I'll just touch on a few.

"Do you work here?"
Now I get that at some places of business there's next to no dress code, and the workers look like people you meet on the street. So it's understandable to not know who works there and who doesn't, the company makes it near impossible to tell.

But in a bookstore? Can you honestly not tell who works in a bookstore? We wear LANYARDS! With our names on them! Find me ONE person who walks around outside in their daily life with a long, BLACK, lanyard around their neck hanging to their stomach. You find that, and I MIGHT be convinced to believe you.

Sure we forget to leave them at work in our mail boxes, or our lockers, but we usually shove them in our pockets or tuck them inside our shirts when we leave the building at night. Why? Cause we don't want to be seen outside work with the damn things around our neck. It's pretty unsightly, embarassing, ugly, and who the hell gives a damn about work when they're off the clock.

Not to mention, even if they are connected by a lego in the back, they're a job hazard. Try lifting a big box into a dumpster and not have the lego come off when you toss the box. It chokes you and yanks your head (really fast) down at the side of the dumpster or into the dumpster. I can't tell you how many times I've had to grab the bottom of the dumpster with my feet (while holding the box) to counter act the pull of momentum from the lanyard and the box.

So to make my point clear: if you feel the assinine need to ask if we work here, LOOK first! If we're wearing a lanyard that says our name and the company (who's store you're in) name..THEN WE WORK THERE! "I'm in a rush," is not an excuse. It's a cop out for being lazy. It takes about a sixteenth of a second to USE YOUR EYES, and look at a fairly annoying piece of plastic dangling from our necks. Don't be a moron, we all know you are anyway, you're confirming the obvious.

"I'm late for an appointment," "I'm in a rush," or "I've never been here before."

You're late for an appointment? What the hell are you doing here? You're late! Get out! What ever you're buying can wait! That's why stores have HOLD POLICIES. Not just for lazy jerks who can't get off their ass and into the store on a day off, but for people who are in a rush. We get that you can't by the item now, that's why we'll be happy to hold for you. And if you drop it at the desk, ask us to hold it, and then leave....NOTHING....WILL...HAPPEN!

You loose your items idiot! We're not telepaths here! We can't look at you and read your mind, or know exactly who you are. You need to give us info. And that info is usually just your last name. THAT'S IT, just a last name. We don't even care if it's yours. As long as you remember what it's under.

Don't have time to give us a last name? Then why the hell did you come into the store to begin with? You had enough time to roam through a section looking for a book (easily five minutes) you can't take half a mili-second to give us your last name? Review priorities BEFORE book shopping. That also ties into "I'm in a rush."

Don't pull that crap. You're not in a rush. If you were, you wouldn't have come into the store. You were late when you parked the car, you were late when you looked for the book, now your pathetic because all you're doing is pushing the envelope later and later. It's not a rush, it's making those who are waiting for you where ever you're going, impatient and pissed off. Which, honestly, they have a right to be..

And finally, "I've never been here before." Do you honestly expect me to believe that? I've seen you walking our isles last week. In retail all the faces may run together (we see SO many people even in two hours) but the repeat customers don't get forgotten. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE! And don't try the "I've never been to this store," either. You've been to other stores in our company...SAME THING! Different design and set up, but SAME THING.

If you need help locating a book, that's what the staff's for...ASK. We know the store, you don't. And don't you DARE try to tell us where a book is after we haven't been able to find it. It's arrogant, obnoxious, offensive, and self centered. That's how you piss off a perfectly helpful and decent worker. Again, YOU DON'T KNOW OUR STORE, WE DO, let us use that knowledge. And don't roll your eyes when we ask for help finding something. THAT is also offensive and insulting. It makes us want to walk away from you immediately.

Don't be a moron, we all know you are anyway, you're confirming the obvious.

"Where do you keep magazines?" and "Where's Customer Service."

There are some things you just become amazed at that people actually have the cajones to ask. Where magazines are kept, and where customer service is are two of them. It tells you that the person talking has actually made no effort in the store what so ever. They walked in, had something in mind they were looking for, but decided "why waste a second and actually look, let's just ask." The signs are HUGE! You can see them from the opposite side of the parking lot, through the front doors, in the dead of night.

The signs are four times larger than the area they hang over, and have letters larger than a human hand. If you can't see them you're either blind, or you didn't bother looking. When we point out where the area is, the customer feels like an idiot for not seeing it. There's a reason for that...YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

These are not things with in depth or complex remedies. These are things that can be solved by...OPENING YOUR EYES!

"It must be free."
This is one of my favorites. Some schlub looser comes up to the register with a bunch of items, or maybe just one, and the register won't acknowledge it. It won't scan it or even respond to the ISBN (International Standard Book Number) or product number you type in. Any moron can tell you're frustrated by this, and to lighten the mood (not a bad idea to begin with) the customer cracks a joke.

What they say is better suited in a mud pile full of mentally disturbed pigs."It must be free." Are you SERIOUS?! Free? Do you think that's funny? Or intelligent in any way? When has any major American industry given the public a 29 dollar item free?! Or even a 5 dollar item.

It doesn't happen. We're in the business of selling exactly what you are buying, why in hell do you think we'd give it to you free? It's 29 bucks! Jesus! Give it up. We've heard that line a million times, what makes you think your rendition will be anything special. Stop being a moron, and don't say it.

"Can you order it for me?"
I'm not even gonna spend much time on this one. It's one of those things I mentioned a minute ago. One of those things you can't believe people have the balls to ask. We probably just told you we can order it. LISTEN, moron! Most bookstores can order ANYTHING. ANYTHING! Out Of Print or not. And before you yokels get back woods on me, out of print means something that isn't being printed or made anymore. It's like an antique.

If a book can't be order for you, we'll tell you. Directly. Right to your face. If it can be...guess what? We'll tell you that too. All your shopping for a difficult book all in one place, without moving a muscle. And we all now how much Americans like doing as little work as possible, while expending as little energy as possible.

Which, now that I think about it, is probably the reason that most customers are so impatient and can be disrespectful from the moment they walk in the store. They've had to get up and walk out of the house, to look for the book or CD/DVD, too much energy already.

But, in fairness, their are some examplary customers. Some very kind, decent, and respectful people. And they are very rare but are a blessing when they come in.

"How Do Use This?"
This one I heard from a buddy of mine. He works at a wholesaler's gas station. You'd think, and hope, the customers were talking about the bathroom or some sort of method to clean up a spill. You'd think that, because there's no way it could be what they're actually bitching about.

The PUMP. The GAS PUMP! They get out of their car, take one look at the pump, and ask for help. They claim they're not aware of how to work it. A GAS PUMP?! How can you not know how to work a gas pump? It's like tying your shoes...easier actually!

You get out of the car, and LOOK AT THE PUMP! It will tell you what to do. Step by step! VERY SLOWLY. Where's the problem people? Can you not get out of the car? Does your arm not reach out and pick up the nozzle?

All this is directed at sighted people. I understand if people are blind and handicapped. That's reasonable. If you can see anything, and can move all four limbs, there's no reason not be able to work a gas pump. Illiteracy is not a reason either. Guess, use common sense.

The Great Disappearing Act

2008-10-08T14:41:00.000-07:00

There are over a billion things in this country, and more over the world, that can end in tragedy. Unexpected land mines when on patrol of a city your country is unjustly occupying, hurricanes flooding national icons, and a certain leader’s continued inability to find a terrorist in a cave.

I could keep going, but I’m trying to keep this column within a certain page limit. Granted it’s a page limit I’m not sure of just yet, but I figure fourteen seems a bit...much. So we’ll go with three...four..no,two...we’ll just see.

Of the hundreds of thousands of highs and lows on this planet. From the Mariana trench in the Pacific ocean, to the hypoxic towering summit of K2 in the Himalaya, people have struggled in the mere fight to overcome that which they don’t know.

Countless ocean floors, and snow blanketed mountain tops, have stood not only as testaments to the dominance and beauty of our planet, but as challenges and hurdles which men and woman all over the world have sought to climb.

Until George Mallory, the Himalaya were vastly unexplored, and were revered by Tibetan and Nepalese citizens as the steps and gateways to the gods. The mountains held not only a physical presence in their lives, but they signified that the gods were looking down upon them and protecting them.

The names commonly attributed to the peaks, mostly from English speaking surveyors and attempted climbers, serve a purpose only to the outside world. To the people who live in the foothills or the plateaus surrounding the great peaks, they are known by their true names.

While K2 has claimed many lives, and is in itself a lethal mountain, it’s neighbor, ever rising…always enticing people to it’s summit…is known to those who live at it’s base by the name Chomolungma. To the outside world, and those who seek to stand atop it, it’s called Everest.

At 29,037 feet (an eight foot increase from the tragedy of 1996 and a two foot increase from the horrors of 2006) it stands not as figure of beauty of our planet, but as an obstacle and a once in a lifetime challenge. There are millions of reasons why climbers fight for it’s summit.

For the experience, for the challenge (there is none greater), and simply because it has haunted their dreams and desires as far back as a climber can remember, are only two of the many reasons. The most selfish, ego centric reason, which has actually been given...because it’s there...is as much a death note as it is a pledge.

I have read many an Everest book, and one constant throughout all is, the desire to reach the top souly on the desire in the spirit and the soul of the climber. While in it’s own way there is a certain nobility to that motive, it is foolish to think that and that alone will get you to the top.

Experience, drive, and brute strength may get you up: Mt. McKinley, Aconcagua, or any of the other 6 Summits, but it will not bring dominance over the world’s roof. At approximately 28,200 ft the average mean temperature on Mt. Everest is –40 degrees Fahrenheit. 40 below on a daily basis!

While it has been proven that the body can submit to those temperatures for at least a night, climbers have had to function with the aid of special sleeping bags designed for up to –20 degree temperatures AND added linings. Not to mention supplemental oxygen. The effects of edema, both pulmonary and cerebral, began several hundred feet below.

A writer once said: while it is tragic and unfortunate to have an accident on any peak, when the tragedies of 1996 and 2006 are taken into consideration, it is better to have an accident on a lesser peak than on Everest.

While the statement may seem insensitive in some ways, it makes a valid point. No one wants an accident anywhere, but if one does happen, it is better for it to happen on a peak, or at a height, where rescue is safe or at least possible.

On Everest, every little mistake, misstep, or miscue is amplified a million degrees. Much of the passage up the Northeast Ridge is edged on either side by sudden almost perfectly vertical 5 mile drops down the North Face. Climbers shimmy along the ridge, a width slightly wider your foot, barely able to place one foot in front of the other.

All this assuming anyone can move calmly and swiftly along virtually uninterrupted. But that is a pipe dream for some mysterious, fantasy, dreamland peak buried in someone’s misguided psyche. This is Everest. The roof of the world, and the stairway to the heavens.

Since 1996, as Jon Krakauer predicted, Everest has gotten OVER commercialized, over hyped, and WAY over populated. I’m not saying it deserves to be shut down, we all know that will never happen, but what needs to happen is a much heavier restriction on permits, the amount of expeditions permitted on the mountain (not on one side or the other, but on both the North AND South sides TOTAL), and the size of each expedition.

Intense background checks must also be mandatory. If ANYONE has in ANY way a criminal background, they must not be permitted anywhere near base camp. I’m not talking about parking tickets, or driving violations, or anything of that nature, (how many idiot climbers are driving vehicles in the foothills of Mt Everest? And if you are, that’s as high as you should go. You’d be lucky if you saw the edge of base camp.) I’m talking about anything requiring jail time longer than two days.

Everest is a mountain that while it is an inanimate object, it is actually it’s own entity. It can sense anticipation, anxiety, and passion. It breathes the drive, joy, and compassion of those who seek it’s summit for respect, nobility, and to see something within themselves.

It can taste the fear, selfishness, and the push to be there just because someone feels they can…just because it needs to be done. The people who should stand atop are those who understand the risks, fight within themselves for every inch, and search and find something inside their being. Something that brings them closer to who they are, and closer to their planet.

I will not pass judgment on the actions of climbers who have died on their surge to the top. Maybe they made it, maybe they didn’t. While that is, in their hearts, their true desire…it is not the issue at hand. Climbing Everest without the use of supplemental oxygen is, admittingly, an admirable goal. It shows climbers for who the really are. Incredibly strong, centered, controlled, and determined people.

It also shows, whether they are aware of it or not, a certain degree of cockiness. You are in a world not designed for survival of ANYTHING. Every single element of that mountain and everything around you is pushing you quickly to the door step of death. To think you are better than that, better than the planet that gives you life, and the mountain that allows you to stand where you are, is a little selfish.

I see this in the people who strive for an oxygen-less accent, but some (not all) survive because they balance the hidden selfishness (some people are totally unaware) with a noble desire. The right desire. They, as I’ve mentioned above, have the desire to find and learn something about humanity and the planet.

One of these men is Ed Viesturs, and I salute his efforts and his accent. He, along with IMAX Expedition leader David Brashears (in 1996), where part of the rescue team charging into the fatal storm to rescue several members of the trapped expeditions. One of these teams was Jon Krakauer’s. Although Krakauer was safely down the mountain, the majority of his teammates were trapped.

Rescues on Everest are villains of another kind. A kind unseen anywhere else in the world. While no one, aside from those actually involved in the rescue, can be certain of the truth of the events, one thing can be set in stone: because of the affects of edema and hypoxic hypothermia on the body it is VERY difficult to tell if a climber at rest (sitting) is dead, dying, or at rest.

Hundreds of people will say that all you need to do to check if a climber is indeed at rest or dead. These people do not understand what climbers go through. The cold constantly ripping at their body, is a cold unlike any on Earth. It’s a chill they will never understand, and one that can blitz you with edemic dementia and frostbite in mere minutes.

They don’t understand that these people are surrounded, millimeters from their feet, by sharp drop offs plunging at 85 + degree angles all around them. It is not just the terrain immediately around them, but the ridge in front. If the climber is savable, the rescuers now have their own weight, oxygen, and accessories to carry, plus the added weight of the climber they're attempting to save.

While we don’t exactly know what went down during the rescue, we can be sure that because someone tried to help, in any way, that they had some level of kindness within them. When people are up that high, they have next to no time to make decisions and attempt rescues. Any stoppage of their traverse to the top is an immediate threat to their lives.

As you make a rescue, or pass someone you feel is in need of help, the question that will invariably cross you mind is, is there enough I could do to help? Can I do anything that won’t risk my life? Is this person actually alive. Sure you want the summit, everyone in front and behind you does, but is the life beside you savable?

It is almost criminal to look at these people who make rescues or attempt them, and doubt their motives. They are operating and functioning in a world not fit for survival. In a world you can not fathom, and have no right to judge them and their actions. Unless you have witnessed, felt, froze, and literally fought death as they have, you have no right to criticize them.

Sure they are men and women just like any of us, but they have attempted to save a life, in an environment where everything is against them the minute they stop. I will not make judgments of anyone who died, for it is an atrocity to laugh in the face of disaster, but I will say that if you ascend without support and without oxygen, you are in a sense, begging death.

On a final note: Lincoln Hall. I can not safely judge his teammates for leaving him behind on the mountain. I do not know, or can even fathom what they witnessed as they left. They believed him dead or dying and beyond rescue. The decision, based soully on that, was not a selfish one. They acted on the greater behalf. Knowing that at that hour, stopping to save someone they believed beyond help, would endanger their lives, was not shameful.

The hero in that situation was Lincoln himself. What ever he found within himself to keep fighting on is true heroics. He must be honored and commended. Lincoln was not only lucky, he is a blessed man, and should be honored. He has my full respect and I tip a hat to him. As I do to Dan Mazur, for abandoning his bid for the top to assist Lincoln.

The abuse Lincoln sustained at the hands of the sherpas guiding him down to safety is an atrocity and offends me, not only as lover of Mt. Everest and all things Everest, but as a human being. These men decided to forego common sanity and simple decency for someone who was climbing back from death’s door, and beat him and assault him. There is no place on Everest for criminals, and these men are a disgrace to humanity.

The Automatics

2008-05-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

In this country, and pretty much everywhere else we're involved (I challenge you to find a place we're not), there are a lot of good things and a boat load of bad. Since I'm pretty tapped out on the good right now, let's go with the bad. At least for the moment. It has long been a policy of this government that whenever we either didn't understand something, or thought something was wrong in some way, we jammed our big fat butts into it.

And we didn't , and will never, have the common decency to keep our pants on. We've always gotta go around mooning people. Or better yet, like George Carlin said, it's all a penis contest. We've gotta prove that ours is bigger. And for Bush, that's hard (pun intended)...he hasn't got one. That's why he's outing federal agents (I'm not letting that fiasco die), picking fights with everyone in the middle east, and tapping our phones. He's gotta distract us, so no one looks down there.

It's a continuing mystery to me how damned, bloody stupid so much of this country is. It's not that they're "not aware," or they "don't know," it's that they really are that stupid! The portion of them that voted for him anyway. They saw how he screwed up the first time, and they told him to DO IT AGAIN! You know what happens to kids who keep screwing up? Detention, suspension, or a time out.

So why the hell is Bush any different? He's a middle aged degenerate with a pre-school education. It's time for his suspension. Only in the legal field we call that an impeachment. Clinton was brought on charges not entirely unrelated to having a woman blow him under his desk. Bush: outed a federal agent, started a false war, and spied on his own citizenry. Oral sex in the oval office vs TREASON. What seems worse to you?

There's nothing that makes sense about him, well...other than he's a waste of humanity... and there's not much that makes sense about another well meaning issue. Greenery, or more commonly known, the Green movement.

It is a noble and truly honorable thing to completely remodel a home with environmentally sound products. To use products and materials that have been modified or recycled from other materials. But while I want to make one thing COMPLETELY CLEAR, that I SUPPORT this movement, there is another hopefully obvious fluke to EVERYONE.

The MAJOR fundamental flaw in this movement is that everything on this planet, came from the planet. We didn't adapt some alien technology, unless Area 51 is no longer a cover up. All the wood, bamboo, and recycled...what ever had to come from somewhere. I have seen picnic tables made of recycled milk jugs. And while, admittedly, that is pretty cool...think about that. Milk jugs. Items that if left out, your great grand children's great grand children will see.

We have done so much damage, and utter destruction to this planet, do any of us REALLY think we can do any kind of significant improvement over the next few years? Waters have risen, entire continents are breaking apart, and rivers have actually BURNED. Water has caught on FIRE. The very thing that is supposed to kill an inferno, has ignited.

The remedy is not a 2 year process. It's not even a 3 year process. And more importantly, we're ONE nation. ONE. Assuming you can get this country behind you, fat chance, we're a bunch of lazy morons...we all need to adjust, NOW. Every person has a voice, and everyone has right to voice their opinions.

One person can change a lot of minds. Sometimes millions of minds, but those millions won't always be listened to. Millions of people won't save this planet, billions will. 2 million people can march on congress and scream for environmental reform, but if 100 people (let's focus on the Senate for now) shoot them down, the march failed.

You can have all the momentum in the world, and be the savior of the planet, and all it takes is for a group of people who number FAR less than you do, to end your gusto. I'm not saying it's worthless, because like I said earlier..I SUPPORT the Green Movement...I'm saying that before you undergo such an endeavor, plan better.

Take into account that you'll probably be shot down, and fight it. Keep fighting it. Or get inside congress, LEGALLY. Get a congressman to listen to you.

A month or so ago, I was eating at Sonny's in Minneapolis with my: brother, sister (in-law), and my niece and nephew. My brother asked me to get water for everyone and added that they wanted glasses not plastic cups. THEY want glasses. Not ME, THEY did. I went to the self filling water station and filled up plastic cups, as I did not see glasses.

I brought the cups back to the table, and suffice it to say, was ripped a new one. I made clear that I did not see the glasses, and honestly, did not see the harm in me getting a plastic cup. My brother had remedied their situation and gotten glasses for them.

The issue was this: what if the person behind me (which there was none) had seen me getting a plastic cup and decided to get one of their own, bypassing a glass. First, a plastic cup is not a desired item. No one has ever said "god, do I need a plastic cup right now." Second: most people don't look at a water station and make ANY kind of decision. They've already decided they want water. Decision DONE!

If someone does want a glass, more often then not, they'll look for one. They won't ask. I work in retail, most people don't ask for things. They just look. Unless they've got something specific in mind. In cafes, in my experience, people are too shy to ask.

Third: decisions to dump something down your throat usually aren't resolved by, "jeez, look what they guy did. I think I'll do that." People just don't copy strangers. Especially not me. I'm not that important to the world, at least not in that way. If I saw a perfect stranger getting a cup of water, I am DEFINITELY NOT thinking "maybe I'll get a plastic cup." If I'm thinking at all, it's "good god I'm thirsty."

Fourth, and hopefully finally, green-ifying your home and family shouldn’t be a physics problem. If you want to buy something in a store that is environmentally sound: look at the product and investigate what it’s made of. And leave it AT THAT. Trying to dissect whether the wood was a tree eight months ago, or sitting in a ware house recycling plant, only lengthens your journey.

Isn’t the objective to use REAL organic, wood? What the hell’s more organic than a tree? All the recycled wood, had to come from somewhere. Let’s stop and think about that. The recycled wood you have now, came from the exact same place, your neighbor’s new table came from.

Pick your battles people. And while I’m on the inane and stupid: when did corn become evil to or diets??! I know it’s not the corn itself, it’s how it’s processed. But think about it. It’s CORN for christ’s sake! DON’T EAT the processed stuff. You all have brains, USE THEM!

I know it hurts, and maybe be out of your way, but let’s work together and give it a try. These corn nuts are the same people who’ve tried to tell us chocolate can be good for us. BULL!

“Chocolate’s sugar and it’s bad,” one minute, “wait! No it’s not. It can be good.” Come on! A luxury that rots our teeth and mouth, and has ZERO nutritional value, is good. Hell no!

Environmentalists, and Green Movement-ers, do NOTHING for themselves or their cause by using scare tactics or picking little issues.

Scare tactics even include the world of art. Sure a painting or photograph of millions of used plastic shopping bags, designed into Warhol’s Marilyn Monroe is pretty damn cool…but what does that do for your movement? “This is what three million plastic bags look like.” Well isn’t that nice. Now tell us how to avoid them.

I know you hope people will pick up on your message, but being honest here, the amount of the population that would catch that is so small it’s not enough to dent the view of the slower populace. People are not going to automatically listen to one person they’ve never met, because he picks up a cup or puts a picture in a gallery.

The issue is the damage we've already done, not little nit picky things. Plus, how do you know the person who got the cup isn't going to recycle it? I did! It's a change..holder now.

There are good and bad sides to this movement and these issues. There are people who support it, the people I agree with, and people who don't. Neither party can afford at any time, to ignore or tune out the other. You can't arrive at a healthy and safe result by doing ONLY what YOU feel is right. That is DANGEROUS, and unsafe for everyone. Smart conclusions are arrived at by a consultation from BOTH points of view.

It is furthermore, arrogant, and obnoxious to assume that everyone MUST feel as you do. You need to talk to them, calmly, and rationally. People will change their own minds. You can't force them to. And finally, if you want this movement to TRULY catch on, you need to speak to them on their level. This means conversing with them, letting them speak their minds BEFORE you attempt to convince them of your view. This is not a wishy washy issue. It's black and white. People's views are automatic one direction or the other.

Paranoia Serenade

2008-03-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

For a while now, I've been thinking about what to..columnize (a new term I'm forcing onto the scene, because "blogging" is annoying and pansy like), and I've wrestled down paranoia. Don't worry, it had me pinned for a minute, but I broke it's choke hold. Please tell me SOMEONE gets that pun.

Many months ago, after I had received my renewed passport (and didn't have enough time to run home) and was glancing at it, a former co-worker said to me "you know, they put chips in those things so they can track you." Uh...huh. They put computer chips in passports?

Are you kidding me?! A government, who's got constant threats of terrorism against it, all over the world, gives a rat's ass about where some guy is screwing his girlfriend and how heavy she breaths.

"Sir the insurgents are on the move again, and they seem to moving towards us at an alarming rate!" "Screw the rebels Johnson! Ms. Flynn's on top and she seems to be enjoying it! Holy crap! Is that King Of Queens on TV!"

Give me a break! We've been: lied to, controlled, manipulated, had federal spies outed, and cheated for EIGHT years! Everyone who's got the balls enough to still ally with us is terrified! Not of what can happen, but of what most likely will.

They're not our friends because they love us, they're our friends because we're the ones with our fingers on the trigger. While that seems like a reason to be paranoid, it's NOT!

I'm not talking about what can happen from the rest of the world, to us. I'm talking about what can happen from US. The color coded "terror" alert system....

(see moms and dads you can teach your kids about safety AND the rainbow! Federal public service AND education all rolled into one! I came up with that in 10 seconds, and I'm not even stoned! Where's my seat in Congress!)

...only serves as an excuse to freak out the nuts whose next agenda is insinuating the air we breath contains invasive microbes. We need to know what terrorist within our own citizenry are up to, not what AVERAGE EVERYDAY Americans who work in bookstores in Minnesota do.

Most of the people here aren't intelligent enough to inhale in a car, let alone plot against a country. And while I'm on the "terror" alert system, is it really necessary that there's more than one color?! It's always been ORANGE! And they never tell you what that means. You just hear it over the public address system at the airport.

I guarantee you I have not heard ONE SINGLE person say "oh," or "what's that mean?" It's not because we don't want to know, I do, it's because at this point, we don't care.

Americans can read, only because they want to, they just don't because as a society...we're lazy!! We don't know what the colors mean because: 1. 3 minutes is too long to wait between "getting our hair done," and doing our nails...and, 2. the goddamn government beats us over the head with it.

If you want the citizenry to learn it, tell them what it is, pause, and then tell them what it means! The color "terror" alert system actually tells you what other nations may think of you when you arrive. Be prepared to at least be scowled at.

BUT, and just like a lot of singers these days, this is a BIG butt: realize that they hate your government....NOT YOU. It's not personal, it may be displaced, but it's not personal. It's okay to express your anger over your government. It's natural, and god given.

The world needs to know, MANY MANY Americans hate their own government. In this day and age: when we've started a war under apparently false pretenses, and can't seem to find the greatest evil since Hitler, how can anyone...ANYONE...seriously think any government has the technology, money, and time to spy on EVERY SINGLE citizen?!!

Come on! Don't be lazy! Our government has to worry about how it comes off to every country in the world, and how our enemies threaten us. It worries about threats from within and without.

It just plain DOESN'T GIVE A CRAP whether or not YOU walk from the break room to the register. Or why you bought chicken instead of pizza. If you spend your days worrying about every little detail, you will NEVER get anything you deserve!

You are a human being and deserve as much as I do. Fear resigns you to the recess of your already tormented mind. Don't shake and tremble every step you take. Don't constantly look over your back, your head will get stuck that way (I mean that figuratively).

Smile every once in a while. Be happy that you're lucky to be alive, and that even if things haven't always been good..they will be! There is happiness EVERYWHERE. JUST.....BE.....HAPPY. And for Christ's sake...let me be too!

Moderate Liberalist Conservitism

2008-03-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

Politically, I tend to be pretty much Moderate, with OCCASIONAL Liberal twitches (damn alcohol), I believe that: BOTH parties are idiots, and it fluctuates from year to year who's more of a moron than the other. It's no longer about believing in good over evil. It's about who's gonna screw over America, and the rest of the world, first...and who's gonna lie less about it. WE can stop it! WE can save anything we want! And there in lies the paradox, and conundrum....we don't want to! Most of this country wants some one else to do their dirty work.

That's why we still have a manipulative felon in the White House! I say "felon" because: if the reports are true and he and Cheney knew about and helped out Valerie Plame, then he AND Cheney must be impeached and thrown in prison! The outing of a Federal Agent (particularly a spy) is a CAPITAL FELONY!!! The president is NO different than any other person in this country and is therefore applicable to the same laws as ALL other citizens.

Ms. Plame continuously put her life on the line in defense of her country, and what did her country do for her? No "thank you," "good job," or awards of any kind.....it turned around and stabbed her in the back!! The ideals, values, and people she believed in: pointed their enemies (and hers too) at her, screamed "spy!" and pretty much threw her on the knife. This country and what ever morals we'd like to believe it has, betrayed one of it's bravest fighters, and DIDN'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN!!

Valerie is now out of the CIA, and into a life of her own. She remains true to her values and the ideals of her country that she truly holds dear. I ask you all: what kind of hero is that?!! Someone who is consistently betrayed by her country and it's leaders...and STILL stands up for it! She wrote a book ("Fair Game"), which has passages "censored" by the CIA, and she stands strong by her values and her words!

THIS is a HERO!! This is a woman I want representing me in government!! Go Valerie Go!!

I should clarify what I've said earlier: I believe the betrayal, was the fault of the morons in office, not so much the country itself. A country can not operate, without people to give it a voice. And to the rest of the world: most Americans (68% last time I checked) COMPLETELY disaprove and disagree with Dumb ASS...I, mean...Bush.

Kill Simon

2008-01-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

If you've not seen Islander Forward Chris Simon's hit on the Ranger's Ryan Hollweg from their game Thursday night, you need to. It is worse than the Todd Bertuzzi hit on Steve Moore [who's been out of the league since the hit 3 years ago which almost killed him. He wants to come back and play, he's only 28, and STILL isn't medically clear to play] even worse the INFAMOUS Marty McSorley hit on Donald Brashear.

I can't describe Simon's hit accurately enough to even come near my disgust for the man. Suffice it to say: Hollweg did a perfectly, and safely, executed legal check on Simon, and Simon turns around, lifts his stick, and slashes Hollweg accross the neck and face. Simon was suspended for the duration of the season AND the playoffs.

Chris Simon got LUCKY! The fact that that punk is even allowed to return is a joke! He's an insult and a disgrace not only to Hockey as a whole and his team, but to the fans, such as myself, who love the sport. When fans go to a game, we expect some form of extreme physical play, it's part of the game, but when you intentionally use your stick to cause life threatening harm, you are no longer an athlete, you're a criminal and had the hit been even the littlest bit harder, you're a murderer. This sport, and this country has no place for people who: know the rules of their sport, have been in the league long enough to make it evident that they know the rules, and have broken them enough times to learn that their suspensions are NOT suggestions. They're lessons to be taken seriously and to heart.

I LOVE the sport of Hockey, and to have someone like Chris Simon in it, is an embarassment and a humiliation. I am ashamed to know that this man is what people will think of, even for a little while, when they hear the word Hockey. Maybe he needs to sit down with Marty McSorley, and learn what it's like to be banned from your dream and your livelihood. Or maybe, he needs to understand the pain that Donald Brashear felt, and what he inflicted upon Ryan Hollweg. He's been suspended before, and hasn't learned. He keeps making mistakes, and that indicates little, if any, remorse. He didn't learn before, he's not gonna learn now. Get him out! He's disgracing my: sport, fans, and my state.

The Big Guy & The Angel

2008-01-13T00:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know much about parenting, in fact, I know next to nothing, but that doesn't stop me from learning as much as I can, as fast as I can. Unfortunately, my perceptions of how everything supposedly goes, doesn't always jive with how it actually goes.

I always knew there would come a point when I'd have to change a diaper, and I planned on that being a LONG time before I have kids [there's an image for those who know me really well...little pun riddled Dans running around], but I didn't know it'd be quite this hard. It's one thing to see some one else changing their kid on a table in a restroom, it's something entirely different when that kid is yours. Now I say "yours" in a secondary sense, because Jamie and Jason are my niece and nephew. It's not easy to do, and A LOT worse to smell, when the kid getting changed, is your flesh and blood.

Everything has a stronger...impact. Everything means more. And since I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm constantly afraid of hurting them in any way. When you have kids, or in my case, my brother and sister(in-law) have kids, EVERYTHING changes. And I don't just mean your entire world...I mean EVERYTHING! Everything within you, and every part of who you thought you'd be around kids, changes.

You notice things that have been dead to your mind for your entire life. You see things your eyes have never crossed, you feel things your hands have never touched, and you cetainly smell things your nose never fathomed. You can see all this happening to thousands of people many times over, but none of it truly hits you until the kids become yours [again, I refer to my brother and sister(in-law)].

I have always understood a parent's love for their children, but I never felt it like I do with Jamie and Jason. I may not be their parent, but I sure feel that close. I love them like their parents do and I will protect and guard them as their parents do. One of the first things I told my brother and sister(in-law) was: that if it were up to me, which in some cases it's a good thing it's not, I'd find the tallest place I could, and do the "Lion King" thing [hold them up to the heavens, as an angelic beam of light graces them].

Jamie and Jason fill my life and my heart with a joy and love, I never knew. They give me a pride and everlasting smile in my spirit that makes me glow every day I wake, and every night I go to sleep. There is nothing this world that makes you happier than kids. Everything Jamie and Jason do is cute. They are my pride and joy. Jamie is "My Angel", Jason is "My Guy."

To be their Uncle is an blessing nothing will ever match, or touch. They are my heroes. It's amazing to be an Uncle, but it's beyond words to be their "Unc-D."

Thank you Lar & Lor, for my heroes.

The Big Cry

2008-01-13T00:37:00.000-08:00

There are few things an life greater than having kids, and [much like my previous "blog"] I say "having kids" in a secondary sense, because Jason is my nephew, they change your life in profound ways. They make EVERYTHING mean more, and every feeling hold more weight. In some cases, they make things hurt more.

Now I mean this is no offense to anyone, particularly "my guy," Jason, but while kids do bring you to unbelievable highs of joy, they also can bring you to unimaginable heart crushing lows. You can feel so much joy one moment, and feel utterly useless, and hopeless the next.

You can be the greatest person on the planet, but when a child is crying and there's nothing you can do to help, you're meaningless. You can't do a damn thing to help, everything that occurs to you is immediately written off as the wrong thing, and you run circles in your head trying to think of anything to make you feel more than a waste of space.

It is indescribably paralyzing to sit and watch a child cry, and want with every fiber inside you to help...to want to do ANYTHING! Any damn thing to help, and not have the foggiest clue how to. The child can't tell you what's wrong, so you have to guess. GREAT! Now someone I love's become a game show! "Let's see Chuck, he's crying and spitting up a little, sooooo...either he's hungry or his tummy hurts. Ooooo! That's a tough one. What door's the million bucks behind?"

It is so frustrating, you just wanna: ball your fists, grit your teeth, and find a wall [preferably non load bearing] and put your fist through it. You want to help, but you have no idea what the problem is, no concept of any way to help, and that knowledge doesn't help at all! You can't say, "well I don't know what I can do," and throw your hands up. It's not an "ehh, what can you do?" situation.

It's an anger and frustration, that will not go away, and will not be quieted. You can't stop the frustration because the feeling to help and ease the child's pain [other wise known as love], is MUCH stronger. So the frustration just snowballs, and eventually becomes an avalanche. While this is going on the one nagging thought in your mind is: "I have never felt so pointless and inadiquate in my life."

Of course, in all honesty, I'd much rather go through this, than not have Jason at all. There comes a time in your life, when you realize, any pain is worth the love you feel for them.

I Love you Jason!

Imus

2008-01-13T00:33:00.000-08:00

There are things in life that go deeper than just one issue. Take Imus, or Chris Simon, for example. Sure they have a history of, well, shooting their mouths off when they're not supposed to. I'm not defending, and I'm sure as hell not supporting, their actions in any way. But you have to wonder if they really learned anything at all.

I'm not talking just about what Imus called the Rutger's women's basketball team [who, by the way, are immensely talented athletes], or what Chris Simon did to Ryan Hollweg, I'm talking about rules and respect. Every place has them, and every place has a reason for them.

They're not novelty acts or moves of contrition from some earlier sin, they're to be taken seriously and obeyed. The government doesn't say "maybe you shouldn't have shot that guy, it seems to have hurt," and you shouldn't need to be told: not to racially slur ANYONE, or damn near behead them on the ice.

The other big issue in both these cases, is a complete disregard of common sense. How many years do you have to be "in the business," to learn what the rules are, not to break them, and what precisely will happen if you do?!

It seems to me that both Imus, and Simon: damn well knew the rules, knew what would happen if they either broke them or challenged them, and simply decided not to give a damn. This is evident because both men have broken the rules before, and showed little, if any, remorse.

Hey, guys! You got what's comming to ya. Don't be surprised, don't bull shit me like you didn't see it, and don't pretend like any of this is really sinking in. You haven't learned your lessons before, however many hundred times it was, you haven't learned it now. And not a single person believes you have. If you're willing to throw away a career you obviously worship, how can anyone believe you ever truly cared in the first place?

Imus: you were in radio for God's sake! Didn't it ever occur to you, that the reason you're on the air is because people listen?! You're there to entertain THEM! Not yourself. If you want to do that, sit at home with the shades drawn.

Further more, you had to believe in this great country of ours, that not everyone thinks like you. Not everyone's gonna like you, some people might not even be able to stand you, and above all else, EVERYONE is equal!

Don't think, for a second, that MSNBC and CBS did the wrong thing. They are the smart ones in this case. I applaud both networks for their decision, but I give a rousing ovation to CBS. Not only did your comments regarding MSNBC's firing, show an abscence of morals, but it showed that you weren't affraid. You continued not to take anything seriously, and failed to notice the value of what was about to happen.

Everyone knows your sphere of influence exists because CBS controls it. CBS, took down the giant. They hit you where it mattered. I hope THAT truly makes you feel something.

As for Chris Simon: read my "Hockey Blog."

In summation: if you ever wonder why you're constantly in trouble....to quote Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar," "Stop breakin the law ass hole!"

Phoning It In

2008-01-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

I wrote this over the summer, in response to a letter my brother in law, Patrick, sent to me from his iPhone. At the end of the letter, the "Sincerely" part, he (I didn't know, when this was originally written, that the iPhone adds "from my iPhone" on its own.) made special humorous note that he sent it from his iPhone. You see, he's quite proud of the thing, and to be honest, it's pretty damn cool. So I thought it'd be pretty damn funny to write a letter to the iPhone itself. Here's the result:

Mr....uh...Patrick's iPhone-
I'm sorry to great you with such muted geniality, but it is tough for me to know how to great a phone. I could have started with the ol' "good to see you once again good buddy," but seeing as we have not really ever formed a formal friendship I thought that might be a bit presumptious of me. I immediately through out the classic and street wise "what up, my man? How goes it?" In light of the fact that, well, let's be honest here, it makes me sound quite pathetic and I'm not that cool. To that effect, the phraze "I hope this day finds you in high spirits, good sir," also makes me sound quite pathetic and...British. In the abscence of a formal greeting I felt would do the trick, I begrudgingly decided to air on the side of muted geniality. I hope I have not let you down with the soft opening to my letter, but I do intend to get to know you as friends rightly should. I know it is tough in the retail world. Sitting in a store somewhere you do not know. Being looked after and cared for by people whose intentions you are never truly sure are really all that bittersweet. Hoping that one day some kind young lady will grace that which you've come to accept as home, and take you from the tensions of wondering "will this day finally be mine?" and bring you to proper place of residence. A place where all that worries you can be comforted in the calming and relaxing hands of your owner. I hope Patrick has been: comforting in your times of need, soothing when anger rages inside of you, and has always lent a willing and open ear to your concerns and joys. I know Patrick to be a VERY kind, caring, and extremely humorous man. I have spent many a time enjoying his company, and laughing along with him, and I can assure you, you will do the same. As for now, I will sign off and leave you with this: you are in VERY kind and decent hands, and your life will be filled with many joys, but should anything in any way negative happen, Patrick will take you the world's foremost specialists who will deduce and correct anything that ails you as fast as possible. You are one lucky phone, and I hope to see you soon to further our friendship. Good luck and god bless.

Sincerely,
Patrick's brother-in-law,
Dan

En Memorium

2007-09-23T00:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are things, or moments, in life that it is best to leave and let lie. To leave to the past, and the memories of the survivors. There are scabs from cuts so deep, they scar the soul for many millenia to come. But sometimes, in order to heal, and live as best you can, you need to open the wounds and speak the agony on your mind. Only then can you hope to begin some salvation.

Everyone needs to deal with tragedy in their own way. Everyone needs to figure out, within themselves, how to deal with a horror no eyes should ever see. But they do need to deal and cope, and everyone can. Some people can't do it all on their own, and that's what friends, family, and loved ones are for. That's even what complete strangers are for.

If there's one thing, of many, that I know about us as Americans: it's that for all our differences and dissagreements, when our way of life and our fellow citizens are threatened, we thoughtlessly band together and show heroic and immeasurable compassion for each other. We put aside competition, differences, and athletic rivalries however legendary they may be. Because the things that matters above all else, is that we are human beings who are equal in every way and we are Americans.

There is also an evil amongst us, who sees themselves not as Americans, but as a world all their own. They follow their own laws, deliver their own edicts, and conform to society only when it suits them. They exist outside our country, and should not be counted among us. Not only not as Americans, but also not as human.

To insist, or rather to simply state: that people who made THEIR own decisions to lead THEIR lives by driving expensive cars, living in huge mansions, and "drinking cognac" is in any way a degredation to you, is pure bull shit! Who knows why they made the decisions that they did. Maybe they got tired of working nine to five behind a fast food counter [like MILLIONS of Americans have!], and decided to try their luck on the stage or screen, because a few people said they were talented.

Or maybe, after spending so much of their young lives singing their heart out, someone offered them a record deal. They didn't say, "maybe I'll sign this million dollar dotted line so I can further opress some high school kids and a college student, under my boot."

They simply made a decision, because it was something they loved to do and they thought they could make a better life for themselves. Making a better life for yourself is something everyone wants. Murder is not a way. None of those students ever did anything to you, and probably never would. They could've helped you on exams, or led you down a path to the riches you so blatantly said you wanted.

But you never gave them that opportunity. How can you know what they would've said or done if you never saw a face. One of those people could have been the key to what you said you deserved, but you didn't let them speak. There could have been a candle of promise standing in front of you, willing to help you to those riches, and you blew out the flame.

I can hardly believe any of what you say is true. Except, maybe for the abscence of YOUR riches. Because I believe that had they actually existed for you, you wouldn't have done what you did. You say people are selfish, and hogging things for themselves...but had you had those things, you'd be the same way. Now who's the selfish one?!

The other thing you need to truly feel, is that: every sister has a brother, and everyone is someone's son or daughter. Everyone has someone who cares about them, and is probably somewhere inside them, feeling a hell of a lot of revenge. Some one is wishing you felt the same pain.

You didn't take away shells that meant nothing, you took away lives that had feelings and compassion for the world. In the numerous cases I've heard, one [unfortunately] jumps to mind.

I forget the young man's name, or his sister's [my deepest soul felt appologies], but I do recall they were in the school's library taking cover, when she was shot. No one could leave, no one could move, and he was trapped..with her..in his arms. He had to sit there, and watch his sister die. His....SISTER!!!

Does any one fucking comprehend this?! Not a teacher, not a friend, not even an administrator...his SISTER!! Can anyone, even grasp the horror of that moment?! Not only were his friends and classmates dying, his sister was IN HIS ARMS!! His life and his mind crumbled at that moment. I can only hope for him, where ever you are, that you have found hope [in some way] and love. I know what I feel for my sister and I couldn't fathom loosing her, and I can't even begin to imagine your torture.

I write this, not to bring up the past to haunt and torment the survivors. I do not wish, by any means to: sadden, destroy, offend, or hurt the people of Littleton Colorado and Blacksburg Virginia. I only wish to: speak my peace, unburden some of my pain, and remember in memorial the victims of those days. I know it is of little help, but I send: my deepest condolences, my most soulfelt sorrows, and my brightest hopes for a better tomorrow.

To everyone who by any chance reads this, we must always remember: April 20th 1999, and April 16th 2007. We must keep in our minds, what happened, so we can make our souls and spirits stronger every day, and guard ourselves so it doesn't happen again.

En Memorium:

To the victims of Columbine High School, and Virginia Tech. University:

I will always remember you, even though I never knew you. I wish, with all my heart, there was something I could've done.

7 Seconds

2007-09-23T00:47:00.000-07:00

There are four types of situations in life: things that make sense, things that are stupid and utterly moronic but make a little bit of sense, things that seem like they make sense but are born in borderline insanity, and things that are off the wall bat shit crazy!

Granted My Space is a great place to talk to people who are otherwise VERY difficult to get ahold of, and talk directly to people you admire. Some of these people are even gracious and kind enough to write to you [thank you Jane Monheit, and Jeff Lindsay], thus showing what truly decent and amazing people they are.

But people like that are few and far between. Most people just have other people manage their site for them. Which makes sense, due to their busy schedule, but guarentees you'll never get a response. But that's not really my beef. Although it does seem a waste of time, and defeat a MAJOR purpose of My Space.

My beef is with politicians. What the hell are ANY of them doing on My Space?! My Space may be for any one, but NOT for politicians. They're suppose to be representing us voting Americans in government, not dicking around on the internet! Sitting down, chatting with random people, even if you're trying to get votes, is NOT an adequate use of time!

No wonder we can't find Osama, these clowns are too busy trying to meet new people and reminding them to vote. Which in it's intention, is a good thing. But, that's something we all can do. By doing something as simple as...[gasp] opening our mouths!

Hey, guys! Does it ever occur to you that the people you're meeting may not actually be the age they say? Joe Miller my actually be little Joey. This is a place to meet people, and sometimes [I'd imagine more often than not], people will go to any lengths. Not everyone has good intentions. Some people are so lonely, that they'll invent entire personas, just to have someone to talk to.

They'll inflate their ages, and their egos, to have the kind of conversation they can't have in their real world. Eventually these things get out of hand, and suddenly a 40 year old man who's created his own persona as a teenager tries to solicit them.

What I'm saying is, if you're trying to get voters, My Space and sites like it, are the stupidest waste of time. Not only your time, but ours as well. All you've done is created another way to lie to us.

Every year some politician makes a promise they may have thought they could keep, but really never intended to. And I'll clue you in to something else here, no one wants to sit down and have a simple IM-LOL-BRB [if any politician knows what any of that means] chat with a politician.

By the time most people are at the point of wanting to chat, the first thing on their mind is NOT "good job," it's "what the hell happened, and what are you gonna do about it?" If you want us to listen: 1. get off My Space and sites like it, you're not cool or hip and never will be, 2. tell us what you're gonna do about something and ACTUALLY DO IT! and 3. stop saying we made a mistake [no shit! We figured that out!], making excuses for what didn't happen and FIX the situation NOW!

Which brings me to my next point, the President. Or, YOUR president, I should say. My America has no president! Any man, or woman for that matter, who waits 7 SECONDS when they're told that two planes were flown into two tall buildings, has no business calling themself American, much less our president.

I don't mean to de-value the World Trade Centers at all, they were icons to our way of life, but it was they people in them that gave them life. And it was the passengers on those planes who are true heroes.

When you freeze up, and stare for ANY amount of time after news like that, it says one of two things: either you had some idea something was amiss, or you had no fucking clue what to do. I don't think Bush is a conspirator, but I do think that if you have ANY inkling [even a hair out of place or standing up on the back of your neck] than you have an OBLIGATION and a duty to say something, ANYTHING. You're the president for christ's sake, someone will listen!

On my second point, if you had no fucking clue what to do: what the hell are you doing as the head of state?! You were elected [in what I'm convinced was a twice over massive brain injury] to represent us and defend us in times of attack and tragedy. Yoo hoo! Mr President! That was an act of war!

The appropriate response is: "let's find these fuckers and drop kick 'em into a new dimension," not "uhhhhhhh, what now?" Get off your ass, walk in front of Congress, and demand [not ask] that your freedom and way of life be defended. That's your response! And it's not one to think about, it's automatic. If I know that, and all of my family and friends know that, than you better know it too.

When you find a reason to march us into war, make sure you prove it. Don't make shit up, and insist it's the truth even when millions of people [your own people] catch you in the lie. Make sure you can prove to those who'll doubt you, cause there will be A LOT, that you made the right call.

Oh! And that "storm" in New Orleans...no one's kidding! It REALLY was a hurricane! There was water in the streets of one of this countries greatest icons! New Orleans is a signature of our culture, our music, and our future. You just let it go. What kind of person lets his own citizens suffer?

It may have been mostly on FEMA's shoulders, but you're the president, everything comes back to you. YOU are responsible.

In summation: if you want votes, go some where else. You look phony, and you come off trying to be something you're not....hip. When people try to be something they're not, it's pathetic. Not everyone on here is who they say they are. When you are President you defend your freedom and way of life automatically. You don't second, or even first, guess yourself. And you DON'T neglect your own citizens. It's insulting and disgraceful. I am not trying to cause any kind of an uprising, I'm just venting my frustration and views.

Down the Rabbit Hole

2007-09-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

There is something wrong with the world. You are being lied to. Take the blue pill, and believe whatever you would like to believe. Take the red pill, and we will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes...

It goes pretty far. Just as Laurence Fishburn showed Keanu Reeves in The Matrix, so I have been shown in the real world

As a writer, I've realized a lot of things this year, and in years past. When doing research for a story, the only person you have to rely on is yourself. It's nice to have family and friends help you out and answer questions when you need them. But they're your friends and family, that's what they're there for..to help. And more often then not, they'll be there for you to call on when you need them. Even if it's for just a quick, albeit seemingly pointless, inquiry at the time.

For a city that has spawned such legends as: Prince, Bob Dylan, Al Franken (sorry guys, like him or not, he's a legend..and pretty damn funny too), Soul Asylum, and even the boys from Semisonic (damn you Dan Wilson! I can't get that "Closing Time" song out of my head), you'd expect to be able to get a few questions answered with the simple opener "hi, I'm a writer, and I'm writing a story on....."

You'd expect that, and you'd be DEAD fucking wrong! I love Minneapolis, I really do. But trying to ask a simple question, in a calm and friendly unassuming way, is about as effective as joining the Timberwolves by headbutting an electrified lightning rod at 90 miles an hour. Sure you'd be pretty severely injured, and a bit drain banamaged....I mean, brain damaged, but you'd be better than over three quarters of the team (Kevin Garnett being the remaining percentage).

Okay, maybe that's not the best comparison, but you get my point. You get virtually no where either way. This is a city with A LOT of fame, and history behind it! Minneapolis carries quite a big punch in the fame market, and when you can't get a single person to help you out (except the good folks at Wedding Day Diamonds in Maple Grove) you begin to wonder "why is this city even fucking famous at all?!!"

How is it possible that all these legends got their start, and got their proverbial fame wagon rolling, when not a single person would help them out? Or is it their choice of career which endeered them to the city's history?

No, it can't be. Look at: Vince Flynn, P.J. Tracy (a mother-daughter team, half of whom no longer live here), John Sandford, William Kent Kruger. All authors. They had to have gotten help from somewhere. And since their novels are set here, they either knew everything about the places they were writing, or asked some one for help.

I've been advised by both Minnesota writers, and average people, to just ask someone. Be nice, and just ask. Mention that you're a writer, and be nice, and people will respond. Generally, yes, if you're nice and kind people in Minneapolis will treat you the same way. NOT if you're a writer! I can't tell you how many glassy eyed, rubber stamp, carbon copy, responses I've gotten simply by smiling at someone and kindly asking for help.

I know it's all in the way you "pitch" it, but like I said, this is a city that is no stranger to fame. Minneapolis, and it's denizens, know what fame is like and have come accross dozens of newbies trying to get off the ground. They should recognize help when it needs it. After all, isn't there something called "Minnesota Nice?"

Which, coincidentally, I've been told by Minnesotans themselves, is the biggest load of bullshit perpetrated on humankind in hundreds of years. I'll say that again, I DIDN'T come up with that, several NATIVE MINNESOTANS have told me that. I for one am quite fond of Minnesota, it's the best place I've lived since leaving my home in New York. There's just A LOT of stuff I don't get. Which is pretty common in any state, or country for that matter.

I just wish that when I asked a question, because as a writer I want to know what the hell I'm writing about, the question got answered. It's not fun being ignored, or getting your hopes up that you'll finally be able to get somewhere, only to end up chasing the rabbit further down the hole.

And speaking of chasing rabbits down holes, can any tell me what the fuck the point of Myspace is? I know for meeting friends, and I've made quite a lot. But only a few of them can actually be called friends.

Myspace has turned the word "friends" into a euphemism, or a novelty act. Friends are people you joke around with, playfully tease, or hang out with at sports bars, ball games, or (shudder) the mall. NOT a mouse click on a computer! It never hurts to meet new people, but when 90+ percent of those people either NEVER check their mail, or have no intention of getting back to you...it makes the whole process worthless.

There are exceptions to that statement of course. There are people who, as I've mentioned before, take time out of their busy schedules to write you back. Not just people you know, who you may have no other way of getting in touch with other than Myspace, but famous people. People you admire, look up to, and in some cases, adore.

These people not only show their true gift as musicians, actors, or comedians, but as human beings. These are the people who remind us that: no matter how different we are, no matter how much we think they're better than us at what they do and we wish we could do, that we are all alike and equal. They remind us that they are human, and just as prone to...well, to quote a friend of mine, "fuck up,".....as much as we are.

Simply by responding to an e-mail from someone they'll probably never meet, they show us that it doesn't matter how big they are, or how many marquees have beared their name, everyone matters to them. Everyone! That is a friend! That is someone truly to be admired.

I thank them, each and every one, for responding to my inquiries. Thank you: Jane Monheit, Kevin Steinman, J. Tyler O'neill, Katherine Crowe, & Erin Bode.

What Myspace, isn't good for, is..well, most of things it says it IS good for. You can only get hits on your page if someone actually looks at it. NOT from glancing at it, on their way to something else. From actually reading what you have to say. And that has only happened in ONE instance I have EVER heard of in my life! My cousin Kevin and his fiancee Ina.

I just want some one, ANY ONE, to READ what I have to say! I can only pray to have the love they have. And I hope I get it. Even this way, although I don't have any confidence (aside from what I've witnessed with Kevin and Ina) in this whole internet thing.

When no one looks at something you put A LOT of effort into, it's like being ignored. You wonder why you've wasted so much time and blown so much energy. Which is the very thing I wonder about my writing. Everyone I know who has seen it, compliments me and tells me how talented I am.

I haven't thought of myself as talented at really anything, except writing...which I love doing. For someone to see that, and feel what I intend the reader to feel, or even to convey to me their perceptions of what I've written is an honor. It's also frustrating and very annoying when no one gives you the time of day.

But as I've said before, there are exceptions. According to Myspace I have 80 some odd "friends." These are the people who've responded back to me, the people who really can assume that label: Kevin Steinman and his fiancee Ina, J. Tyler O'neill, Jane Monheit, Anthony (I promised I wouldn't reveal his last name), Justin Hall (ooops, sorry, "Metro"), Jamie-San (no last name again), Christopher Moore, Erin Bode, Molly Zi...Zie..(sorry Molly, I fear I'm gonna screw up your last name again) and Beth Fedor.

Eleven people out of 80+. My point is this: Myspace really has no clue about what the word "friend" means, what's next...love? Don't fuck with love.

In summation, finally: research is best approached, if at all, from a calm unassuming and well meaning and well researched itself, way. In a sense, you have to research, research. Just getting out in the world and approaching people kindly, and explaining your purpose, gets you no where and gets you nothing. Except glassy eyes, drug stoned expressions, and fake promises. Myspace is great: for talking to people you otherwise would not be able to get ahold of in any other way, and talking to people you admire. If you're lucky and find the few of them who will actually respond to you, you can say you truly know a decent and kind person. Some one who deserves every bit of their fame.

If someone actually does READ your page, and what you have to say, than rest in the fact that they are responding to who you really are. Or at least the "you" you present on this pain in the ass (Myspace). And, let me know what that feels like. Thank you to my cousin Kevin, for letting me be a part of your life, and your career. I have helped in every way I know I can, and you keep letting me. I know I'm not the greatest guy around, but you still call on me if you need to. I look up to you every day, Kev, and I only wish I could have half the luck, talent, and love that you do. I hope I can continue to be part of your life and career.

If anyone offers you the red pill or the blue pill: grab the red one, slug down some water, and hang on. The hole's pretty deep, and the rabbit's pretty fast.

Valley Of the Dead

2007-09-23T00:40:00.000-07:00

A few days back I found myself wondering: if the small percent of people in this world, or even in this country, truly capable and smart enough to run it….actually did, how big of a high would we be on?

Probably not as big as one might project initially, because power corrupts, but we'd be a hell of a lot better off. But let's say that actually happened. All the control and the welfare of this country and it's people passed to the small percentage of truly smart people capable of governing..what would that look like?

Well, for starters, we'd be fucked. Our population would drop from 4…whatever million it currently is, to around…20 to 30 thousand. Not in one particular area, TOTAL! We'd need a COMPLETE, MASSIVE, RE-election of every damn office of government. Because, don't kid yourself here, not a single one of those pricks knows what the fuck they're doing…no matter how much you like them.

Except for, maybe: New York's Chuck Schumer, Minnesota's Amy Klobuchar, and Wisconsin's Russ Feingold. That's right, I said "New York's CHUCK SHUMER." NOT Hilary Clinton (I am SO ashamed of my state), Chuck Schumer.

I have ABSOLUTELY nothing against women running for president. As a matter of fact, I think one of them SHOULD be president….just not Hilary. I'd rather spend five hours in a rat hole, sucking a car exhaust pipe with Satan, than spend 2 seconds listening to anything she has to say.

Let me feed you some background on that. Back in my home town of Syracuse, NY, I worked for the Museum Of Science and Technology downtown (or what could be considered downtown) for a year or so. I was an usher (ticket taker, projectionist, theater attendant) for the IMAX Omintheater at the time Hilary and her entourage came through the area on a campaign oppression...sorry, campaign tour.

Her posse, which is actually the correct word, not "entourage," went into the theater to see an IMAX film. After personally telling each of us that she'd be in the theater herself to see the film and see what her contemporaries did on the job, she immediately turned her back and walked away.

Contemporaries (lie 1)?! The only people equal through her eyes are those with millions in their wallets, and Armani on their backs. Sure her posse didn't mean their sentiments either, but at least they had the cojones to listen to what people had to say.

Shortly after the film, and her blindingly obvious patronizing walk around the museum, she asked us to pose for a picture with her. Actually, she just yelled mildly loud, and when a few of us didn't hear her (cause you know, we were busy..DOING OUR JOBS!), she made one of her oompa loompas go around and remind us.

At the end of the photo...shoot, she asked if there were any questions. Yeah, why New York?! What the fuck did we ever do to you?! I didn't say that, I sure as hell thought it though. I forget what I asked, but her response if you can call it that, was to answer with another question having NOTHING to do with mine. She ACTUALLY passed the question off to a posse member, who answered it fairly well given the intelligence (and humanity) Hilary just sucked out of the building.

Through out the entire evening she was like glass. She never gave any indication, from what I know, that she gave half a shit about who we were as people, what our jobs entailed, and what we felt about politics. It's understandable, but not acceptable, if she was speaking to someone from...let's say, Maine...and didn't give a shit because Maine's not her state.

But when you completely brush off, and disrespect people from your own state...people who control whether or not you get elected...it's disgraceful. Every vote, every voice in this country matters! EVERY SINGLE ONE! Don't let any one bull shit you into believing otherwise! Everyone has an opinion, every one has a right to express it, and everyone has a right to tell someone who is misleading their state, and their country, to GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

Those houses, governor..wise or presidential, are NOT the government's, their yours! Mine, yours, and every other citizen's those pricks are supposed to represent. We have every right to say: shut up, get out, and leave us the fuck alone!

I'm sorry, I don't give a shit who you are (unless you're my wife, or family) the world doesn't spin around you. My job is to assist museum guests, not some pompous jack ass who thinks she's the shit! Surprise Hilary, you're not! BILL IS! HE, and he alone, is responsible for your fame. If it wasn't for his name, you'd be no where.

Speaking of people who'd be no where: to paraphrase Bill Engvall and more graphicly George Carlin, my god there are a lot of stupid fuckers out there. I have an idea: why don't we take all those dumb asses that Bill Engvall's given signs to, and dump 'em in a valley some where.

A valley where only the small margin of smart people, know how to get to, and where the only things these idiots have to worry about is: which sand dune tastes more like water and why their niece/daughter's head is so misshapen.

The epitome of such astonishing and blinding stupidity, are these jackasses who walk around college towns, or areas of major cities where college age students live, and stick post its and flyers on car windshields. You're not doing anyone any favors. You're not passing out employment opportunities, you're commiting a felony. A person's car is their private property and their private space. Posting something on their car is like nailing porn to the window siding of their house. If you want to get away with it, than you should either be arrested or have something offensive and morally degrading stapled to your fore head. Then you can join the other mindless lemmings in the valley.

These are people who: 1. when walking out of the MINNEAPOLIS Convention Center, stop to ask me "which direction is Minneapolis," or 2. stand in front of me at a movie theater and take 5 fucking minutes staring up at showtimes, only to walk up the cashier and ask "is Harry Potter playing today?" And 3. my personal favorite: "do you work here," (at a place I DON'T work, and it's evident that I don't) I say no and they follow up with, "is there a bathroom?" Or, "Do you have....?"

Do you have any idea how hard it is NOT to be a smart ass when some one asks you those questions? It can literally cause a stroke trying to dodge sarcasm. Here's what I'd say: 1. "Minneapolis is....wait! Shit! Minneapolis! Fuck! I thought we were in Berumuda!" 2. "Nope, those are just suggestions for we thought we might want to show. We thought we'd fuck with you." 3. "Nope, they're just gonna fill you coffee, make you stand around and shit on the floor." and "Yes, we do, but I have no idea where it is."

We could invent some sort of restorative brain technique or machine to at least force these idiots to think, but then they'd probably try to find a way to use it to have kid number 40, or to cheat an alcohol detecting ankle bracelet.

Which brings me to my next subject, the Human Crack Farm...I mean, Lindsay Lohan. Why in the hell does anyone give a shit about her anymore? Don't bring her family into this, they're supposed to help. Which they don't appear to be giving a shit enough to do. They have taken action though, but only to bitch and assign blame for which parent is at fault.

In a recent MSN.com article, a reporter (who's name I forgot) stated that the only way to save Lindsay is to send her to jail. Wrong! It won't save her. She won't learn or get anything. Except a cell phone snuck to her (a la the ultimate fame/criminal whore Paris Hilton) and a shower moment only seen in porn.

The only way to save Lindsay, is not to. Leave her alone, and let her fall. Let the law take care of what ever it needs to, and believe me that will be A LOT, and let her crash. Drug use is premeditated. She knows what she's doing, she knows who she's hurting, she's apparently not minding destroying her family and her life, so why waste our time trying to help?

She won't take it, and she keeps following down ol' dad's path. Which is further ironic, given her comments years back that she won't be lack dad. She loves her family (apparently not anymore) and she won't see them in shambles. You want to know what everyone is trying to example of whom not to be like? You, Lindsay!

Some people will only learn through severe pain and tragedy, Lindsay is one of those people. And apparently it needs to happen to her. I'm not wishing her death, FAR from it, I'm only saying she needs to fall and fall HARD. She needs to loose something before she realizes what it mattered. And she's needs to realize that she's an ass. Maybe she can change that, but it looks unlikely.

A lot of comparisons have been made to Robert Downey Jr. While their stories are VERY similar, Downey was smart enought to save himself. He realized what he lost and what mattered. He was an ass, too...so he stopped and got his life back. Kodos and all my applause Robert.

He was pathetic, now he's back on track and apparently happy...Lindsay's APATHETIC, apparently hopeless, and going to stay that way.

In conclusion: instead of letting all the morons roam free, why not find them a valley somewhere, where they can: romp gleefully, mate with their siblings, and drink sand. Or maybe, just simply, we should take Bill Engvall's suggestion. Of course, only 20 - 30 thousand of us would be sign free. If you're running for any office: smile, be sincere, when someone asks you a question..ANSWER IT without passing the buck onto someone else! It's not their job! Above all: mean what you say, don't openly lie, and for Christ's sake, give a shit!

Sometimes, as hard as it is to believe or swallow, some people can't be saved. The legal system can't help them, their families can't, and all they want is to destroy themselves. So let them. They'll collapse, and they'll realize just what they've lost and what they can be will be A LOT better. That's when to step in and help. That's when they know they need you, but because of withdrawl, they ave trouble asking. Those moments are when you matter the most, and when you will matter most to them..and they will remember that. You will be praised for what you did. You just have to keep that in mind, and smile when it happens. That happiness will erase, even if only for a moment, all the evil that came before.

All Good Things

2007-09-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

There are things in life that are inevitable. The end of a beloved TV show (damn you CBS! God bless, and God rest, "The King Of Queens"), any kind of object on the side of the road that every idiot in the state has to slow to 4 mph to see (hey, it's a fender bender, not the lost treasure of Ramses the Great) and tragedy.

No matter where we look, no matter what we do or when we do it, tragedy will happen. It's like fights in a relationship...okay, it's not exactly like that, but my point is that tragedy is inevitable. The only way to avoid it, is to pray we're not there when it happens, and to pray our loved ones aren't there either.

No tragedy is ever a good thing, and I am not saying that it is. I'm simply stating that it's going to happen whether we like it or not. We can avoid it, prevent it, but we can't stop it. If not to us, or in our city, it'll happen somewhere else.

As I write this, a part of me cringes. Not because it's tough to write (although it is), but because I feel I am doing a dishonor to the victim's memories. That is not now, nor will it ever be, my intention. I am simply trying to vent some feelings on my mind.

That said as much as it makes ALL of us cry, wince, and cringe: rivers rise, streets flood, buildings fall, and bridges collapse. It happens. It's a part of life, and one that truly horrifies us.

The trick is to learn from what happened, protect ourselves, and move on. We all can move on, and we all will. We need to be strong for ourselves, for others around us, and for the victims. They wouldn't our lives to end, because theirs did.

I don't know those victims, but I'm sure if presented with the option of their loved ones becoming happy again or collapsing in depression and isolation, they'd choose prosperity.

We all need to grieve, and we all must, but it's only one step in the process of sustaining their memory. Grief is the heart's and mind's focus and the absence of someone or something beloved.

The someone or something and their memories are actually very happy things. As you reflect on them, you find yourself smiling and probably tearing up a bit.

Greif is yours. It's your mind and your heart focusing on the absence of a loved one. The smiles and happiness from their memories is the victim's. It is them living on in all of us.

Death is not an end, it's a pause. A pause so short we don't even realize it. Grief is a normal process to life, but it clouds our minds to the fact that the people we love, those we miss, are still around us.

They always will be. They feel our hearts thump when we fall in love. They see our minds race at the realization of our dreams (no matter how big or small), and they bask in the shine of our souls when we smile.

The only thing that is lost is the victims physical body. Everything the were as a person, they still are. Everything we loved about them, still exists. They exist within us, and are part of: every smile, every laugh, every kiss and every hug.

We will all deal with loss and tragedy in what ever way is acceptable to us, but we must be allowed to deal with it on our own.

There is a fine line between reporting a story for the information and attempt to assure people that the tragedy is being dealt with as best as possible, and sucking at the sump pump of sensationalism for the soulless desire for ratings.

I speak, of course, of the I-35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis. Which has turned this city's news stations into shameless, soulless, insensitive pricks...capable of, and willing to, trample the very notion of decency by spitting on and desecrating the memories of each and every victim.

With every: sob story (I don't mean that in a negative light), melodramatic musical funeral sonata, and endless replay of the same footage, they are not only attempting to make us sad, they're pushing us further into a bottomless depression.

They further force this depression on us with....telling us shit we already know. For example (and these are things I actually heard):

1. It was a typical bumper to bumper rush hour. ("Typical," huh? Those aren't Match Box cars out there, they're people. Just like you and I. Someone at home loves them. Treat them with a little decency and respect!)

2. So...there was a lot of weight and stress on the bridge. (There's a lot of weight and stress on a bridge every damn day! It's not a museum exhibit. You build a bridge some where, some one will drive over it.)

3. Hundreds of people were on their way home from work. (How do you know that? Maybe some of them where going TO work. Maybe a few buddies were going to a strip club, and MAYBE someone might have been on their way to a romantic dinner to propose. You don't know. None of us do. Stop blanketing everyone under one statement.)

And my personal favorite....

4. It had had cracks in it for some time.

Cracks?! It had cracks in it?! Holy crap! You mean to tell me a: man made, reinforced, and apparently inspected object WASN'T invincible?! Well, jesus! There goes everything I've believed in right down the crapper! My whole life's a lie now.

We are not now, nor we will ever be, invincible. Nothing we create, build, or conceive will ever be invincible. Do you know why it will never be that way?? NATURE! Things break down, bodies wear, cars rust, and mother nature erodes.

We are not masters of this planet. It is master of us. It is our home, but we are here because it lets us be here. We have screwed with it long enough...maybe we should listen when it screws with us. We have taken, pillaged, and raped this planet for centuries, can we really blame it for taking from us.

I'm not advocating disasters, or implying that the loss of humanity is a good thing, I'm simply saying that we have to listen to our planet. It's trying to talk to us. Earth doesn't need us. We need it. But for some reason, it wants us. If we respect it and work with it, it will respect us and help us.

And the weather that it's always had, since long before we were here, breaks things down...and then, rebuilds them. As human beings, it is nature to be compassionate to one another. I have witnessed in times of tragedy, the innate fact that we all pull together to survive and live on.

In summation: to think that we can construct anything that is invincible, or the largest of its kind without issue, is foolish and borderline psychosis. We as human beings do not have a right to something simply because it can be done. This is not our planet, it does not belong to us. We belong to it. And when ever we get cocky, maybe we need to be "slapped back in line." Mother Nature effects everything. It will all wear, crack, and tear. We may be able to prevent some of it for a little while, but we can not stop it. It is the natural order of things. Simply by creating something, you are assuring it's demise.

But life will rebound. Love will blossom again, and smiles will abound. Behind every dark cloud, there is the sun. Every sadness, will be joy once again. In life, as in everything, it is not the beginning or the end that matters, it is journey in between that makes everyday worth living.

And if the leader of this country ever visits your state, tell him to "get the hell out!" You don't need him, you never will. You'll all do damn good on your own. He neglected New Orleans, and ignored New York...he won't give a damn about you!

Like Morgan Freeman said in "Deep Impact:" "Cities fall...but they are rebuilt. And heroes die...but they are remembered. We honor them with every brick we lay....with every field we sow....with every child we comfort and then teach to rejoice in what we have been re-given. Our home. So now...let us begin."

En Memoriam: Those lost in the collapse of the I-35W Bridge. God be with you all. Rest in peace.