Idiocracy: Non-Sensical Ramblings From the Lunatic Fringe

There are billions of things in life that don't make sense, some that are totally ridiculous, and others that are just insane. Questions that are asked to us, and things that are said, both in the mainstream spotlight, at what ever job we go to, and in our everyday lives. I don't have the time, the page limitations, and the desire to list all of them, so I'll just touch on a few.

"Do you work here?"
Now I get that at some places of business there's next to no dress code, and the workers look like people you meet on the street. So it's understandable to not know who works there and who doesn't, the company makes it near impossible to tell.

But in a bookstore? Can you honestly not tell who works in a bookstore? We wear LANYARDS! With our names on them! Find me ONE person who walks around outside in their daily life with a long, BLACK, lanyard around their neck hanging to their stomach. You find that, and I MIGHT be convinced to believe you.

Sure we forget to leave them at work in our mail boxes, or our lockers, but we usually shove them in our pockets or tuck them inside our shirts when we leave the building at night. Why? Cause we don't want to be seen outside work with the damn things around our neck. It's pretty unsightly, embarassing, ugly, and who the hell gives a damn about work when they're off the clock.

Not to mention, even if they are connected by a lego in the back, they're a job hazard. Try lifting a big box into a dumpster and not have the lego come off when you toss the box. It chokes you and yanks your head (really fast) down at the side of the dumpster or into the dumpster. I can't tell you how many times I've had to grab the bottom of the dumpster with my feet (while holding the box) to counter act the pull of momentum from the lanyard and the box.

So to make my point clear: if you feel the assinine need to ask if we work here, LOOK first! If we're wearing a lanyard that says our name and the company (who's store you're in) name..THEN WE WORK THERE! "I'm in a rush," is not an excuse. It's a cop out for being lazy. It takes about a sixteenth of a second to USE YOUR EYES, and look at a fairly annoying piece of plastic dangling from our necks. Don't be a moron, we all know you are anyway, you're confirming the obvious.

"I'm late for an appointment," "I'm in a rush," or "I've never been here before."

You're late for an appointment? What the hell are you doing here? You're late! Get out! What ever you're buying can wait! That's why stores have HOLD POLICIES. Not just for lazy jerks who can't get off their ass and into the store on a day off, but for people who are in a rush. We get that you can't by the item now, that's why we'll be happy to hold for you. And if you drop it at the desk, ask us to hold it, and then leave....NOTHING....WILL...HAPPEN!

You loose your items idiot! We're not telepaths here! We can't look at you and read your mind, or know exactly who you are. You need to give us info. And that info is usually just your last name. THAT'S IT, just a last name. We don't even care if it's yours. As long as you remember what it's under.

Don't have time to give us a last name? Then why the hell did you come into the store to begin with? You had enough time to roam through a section looking for a book (easily five minutes) you can't take half a mili-second to give us your last name? Review priorities BEFORE book shopping. That also ties into "I'm in a rush."

Don't pull that crap. You're not in a rush. If you were, you wouldn't have come into the store. You were late when you parked the car, you were late when you looked for the book, now your pathetic because all you're doing is pushing the envelope later and later. It's not a rush, it's making those who are waiting for you where ever you're going, impatient and pissed off. Which, honestly, they have a right to be..

And finally, "I've never been here before." Do you honestly expect me to believe that? I've seen you walking our isles last week. In retail all the faces may run together (we see SO many people even in two hours) but the repeat customers don't get forgotten. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE! And don't try the "I've never been to this store," either. You've been to other stores in our company...SAME THING! Different design and set up, but SAME THING.

If you need help locating a book, that's what the staff's for...ASK. We know the store, you don't. And don't you DARE try to tell us where a book is after we haven't been able to find it. It's arrogant, obnoxious, offensive, and self centered. That's how you piss off a perfectly helpful and decent worker. Again, YOU DON'T KNOW OUR STORE, WE DO, let us use that knowledge. And don't roll your eyes when we ask for help finding something. THAT is also offensive and insulting. It makes us want to walk away from you immediately.

Don't be a moron, we all know you are anyway, you're confirming the obvious.

"Where do you keep magazines?" and "Where's Customer Service."

There are some things you just become amazed at that people actually have the cajones to ask. Where magazines are kept, and where customer service is are two of them. It tells you that the person talking has actually made no effort in the store what so ever. They walked in, had something in mind they were looking for, but decided "why waste a second and actually look, let's just ask." The signs are HUGE! You can see them from the opposite side of the parking lot, through the front doors, in the dead of night.

The signs are four times larger than the area they hang over, and have letters larger than a human hand. If you can't see them you're either blind, or you didn't bother looking. When we point out where the area is, the customer feels like an idiot for not seeing it. There's a reason for that...YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

These are not things with in depth or complex remedies. These are things that can be solved by...OPENING YOUR EYES!

"It must be free."
This is one of my favorites. Some schlub looser comes up to the register with a bunch of items, or maybe just one, and the register won't acknowledge it. It won't scan it or even respond to the ISBN (International Standard Book Number) or product number you type in. Any moron can tell you're frustrated by this, and to lighten the mood (not a bad idea to begin with) the customer cracks a joke.

What they say is better suited in a mud pile full of mentally disturbed pigs."It must be free." Are you SERIOUS?! Free? Do you think that's funny? Or intelligent in any way? When has any major American industry given the public a 29 dollar item free?! Or even a 5 dollar item.

It doesn't happen. We're in the business of selling exactly what you are buying, why in hell do you think we'd give it to you free? It's 29 bucks! Jesus! Give it up. We've heard that line a million times, what makes you think your rendition will be anything special. Stop being a moron, and don't say it.

"Can you order it for me?"
I'm not even gonna spend much time on this one. It's one of those things I mentioned a minute ago. One of those things you can't believe people have the balls to ask. We probably just told you we can order it. LISTEN, moron! Most bookstores can order ANYTHING. ANYTHING! Out Of Print or not. And before you yokels get back woods on me, out of print means something that isn't being printed or made anymore. It's like an antique.

If a book can't be order for you, we'll tell you. Directly. Right to your face. If it can be...guess what? We'll tell you that too. All your shopping for a difficult book all in one place, without moving a muscle. And we all now how much Americans like doing as little work as possible, while expending as little energy as possible.

Which, now that I think about it, is probably the reason that most customers are so impatient and can be disrespectful from the moment they walk in the store. They've had to get up and walk out of the house, to look for the book or CD/DVD, too much energy already.

But, in fairness, their are some examplary customers. Some very kind, decent, and respectful people. And they are very rare but are a blessing when they come in.

"How Do Use This?"
This one I heard from a buddy of mine. He works at a wholesaler's gas station. You'd think, and hope, the customers were talking about the bathroom or some sort of method to clean up a spill. You'd think that, because there's no way it could be what they're actually bitching about.

The PUMP. The GAS PUMP! They get out of their car, take one look at the pump, and ask for help. They claim they're not aware of how to work it. A GAS PUMP?! How can you not know how to work a gas pump? It's like tying your shoes...easier actually!

You get out of the car, and LOOK AT THE PUMP! It will tell you what to do. Step by step! VERY SLOWLY. Where's the problem people? Can you not get out of the car? Does your arm not reach out and pick up the nozzle?

All this is directed at sighted people. I understand if people are blind and handicapped. That's reasonable. If you can see anything, and can move all four limbs, there's no reason not be able to work a gas pump. Illiteracy is not a reason either. Guess, use common sense.